Limericks June '07 Poem by Herbert Nehrlich

I once met a pompous ass
he was Wehrmacht and one of the brass.
And I gladly confess
in the Waffen SS
all the brass liked to pass lots of gas.

Led by Adolf they did like to fart
by relaxing and spreading apart
their two cheeks which hold in
each malodorous grin
and present thus a true work of art.

Back in school we would ride on the bus.
That was me and my best buddy Gus.
After eating some beans
we had surely the means
to make people hold noses and cuss.

When my son caught a Moreton Bay crab
he transported him down to the Lab.
While the Lab could confirm
that all crabs pince and squirm
they said none had the gift of the gab.

There once lived a portly old Vicar.
He was partial to bootlegger's liquor.
And on top of the pulpit
he would gulp it and gulp it
and in time he got sicker and sicker.

I remember my chemistry teacher.
He was more of a preacher than teacher.
Once he talked about dust
and that everyone must
when he dies become one final feature.

In the hay I was resting with Joan.
She was spreadeagled, I rested prone.
When a movement occurred
she first giggled then purred
Is that really your family bone?

On our farm we had one yellow duck.
He was down on his knees and his luck.
He would thoroughly tease
female ducks with his knees
then the females yelled Jesus, you're stuck..

As you know each baboon has a wick.
It could also be called a small prick.
All the monkeys do know
that the height of the show
is to make the wee shishkebab stick.

Yes I know that no real baboon
has an ass like a cheddar-cheese moon.
Monkey see monkey do
that is certainly true
neither looks like a furry raccoon.

Let me tell you about a strange pig.
He would sit in a tree on a twig.
All the animals saw
he was wearing a bra
and on top he was wearing a wig.

Said the bull to the beautiful cow:
I would like to but do not know how.
She said look at my udder
use your thing as a rudder
holy land-o-lake do it right now.

All my uncles like Limburger Cheese.
All my aunts have those dry-socket knees.
Said my grandma girls need
a good Limburger feed
and the drysocket problems will ease.

Said the doctor to schoolteacher Ned.
You must stay for three weeks in your bed.
It was more than malaise
and in twenty-one days
he called in and found Ned truly dead.

It was midnight in Tijuana
and the callgirl kept saying manyana.
But the cowboy insisted
that he wouldn't have kissed it
if she hadn't been from Louisiana.

A tall and quite skinny Canadian
had a grasp of all matters circadian.
When he went to Barbados
he was tricked by muchados
and he married a female Barbadian.

There once was a six foot ten German
he was blond and blue-eyed and named Herrmann.
He once ate a whole apple
in the catholic chapel
and he also slept right through the sermon.

You can find in Bordeaux many French.
They sit out in the streets on a bench.
When one day Monsieur Roche
was called vous êtes un boche
he said, Schwein you are only a Mensch.

I was bursting with nowhere to pee.
And my bladder hung down to the knee.
Then my hangglider crashed
and was utterly smashed
and I swam and then peed in the sea.

Now here is a story I heard.
And I give to you freely my word.
A man went for a swim
for crustaceans to skim
but he only could catch a big turd.

Said the butcher himself to the baker.
you will soon meet the undertaker.
But the baker baked bread
had no time to be dead
and the butcher himself met his maker.