My Vegetarian Diet Poem by Shankaran Kutty

I went for my medicals one cursed Saturday
The results I didn’t reveal – there was no way
Sunday evening, while watching football
I heard my wife scream – “this your cholesterol? ”

She got my results, instantly I knew
How she got them I have no clue
“Triple Century? ”, you are better than Sachin
“Wait, I have a plan to make you thin”

“From now on” she declared, “you are going vegetarian
Your diet is going to be fully agrarian
Like a good boy, won’t you give a try
And remember no cheating, on the sly”

For breakfast she served a plate of cabbage
I told her I prefer my daily sausage
She walked away as if she was born stone deaf
A glass of sour orange juice and I told her its enough

To eat my lunch I was in a hurry
I prayed it should be my usual fish curry
I opened my lunch box to my utter dismay
No rice, no pappad, no fish, no whey

For inside my lunch box, horrified I found
Three slices of onion, cut neatly round
Carrot and Cucumber were grated so fine
No rice, no egg, no pickles in brine

Pappads and fish fry were ruthlessly cut
Dessert was two pieces of Marie biscuit
How I craved for my rotis and subji
The lunch box I threw into my brand new Lodgy

When I reached home, I thought I would faint
My wife just stared, like at a creature quaint
When dinner she started with a bowl of lettuce
I told her square, I will file for abuse

I did not get my cup of Bru coffee
One roti she brought like carrying a trophy
When after dinner I asked for my chocolate
Two pieces of melon she put on my plate

A cup of coffee I have, while watching television
But denying my survival seemed to be her mission
And so while I was watching the nine o clock news
There she walks in with a glass of bitter gourd juice

She seemed to be determined to keep me alive
Till somehow I dragged to eighty five
But in just one week, I felt I had reached that age
My skin started to wrinkle like a venerable old sage

My sugar and cholesterol went on a free fall
My wife was convinced she had taken the right call
Chicken and Mutton, I even forgot to spell
But my wife was happy, and so all was well.

A month of this and I knew I have had enough
No way could I take any more of this stuff
So on the way back from office, I stopped at KFC
And took a home takeaway of whatever I could see

I bought myself a rich choco-milkshake
And stopped at Dominos for a choco-lava cake
And picking up the largest packet of Lays
By eight o clock I was at my place

My darling wife was laying cucumber on plate
And oozing love, asked why I was so late
I picked up the plate and send it flying through the air
She was breathing fire, but I simply didn’t care

I laid down my purchase and soon had my fill
I finished it before my wife could go for the kill
“Grass”, I said, “ is only meant for the cows
No more would I see it, inside my house”

For a couple of days there was a domestic riot
But that was the end of my vegetarian diet
Now there is fish and chicken and eggs aplenty
My cholesterol is back to two hundred and ninety.