Samantha Poem by Tan Pratonix

Samantha, walking through the woods, beset by bears.
I, forty yards behind, remembered an appointment and retired –
It was not my affair!
But, on second thoughts, having on hand
A variety of small arms (namely, musket, firelock,
Fowling-piece, carbine, blunderbuss, matchlock,
Harquebus, shotgun, revolver) , I chose the revolver and fired.

Sixty-six bears dropped dead,
Thirty were wounded, the remainder fled.

Bearskin, also known as pelt in the market, is in high demand.
I calculated (at five hundred dollars a piece, being of inferior quality)
Something like forty-eight grand.

Samantha, when she saw
Me engrossed in this arithmetic,
Which I diligently copied into my pocket notebook, ground her teeth,
And, taking care to swing her handbag in the proper style,
Banged me, book, bears, arms and all my fantasy
Over a distance of exactly sixteen feet, six inches and twenty-seven miles.