Shattered Dream Poem by joseph macquarrie

Hey, this seems to have the best flow out of the poems i'v read of yours. You keep the sentences short and don't overload them, so it has a fast pace. It should be 'broken' not 'broke' in the first line though. Just a couple of things, i think you don't need the 'sad' in the first line, it's uneccessary as you demonstrate rather than tell why the word is sad throughout the poem, and it slows the pace down slightly. 'by that word goodbye' would sound better. Getting really pedantic, but it would be better if the word 'see' in the third paragraph should come after the 'we', rather than start the first line. just a suggestion, the lines: 'Can one bad play Really break so many hearts' could flow slightly better if you put it 'how can one bad play/ break so many hearts? ' The reason being is that almost each line in that verse will then have 5 syllabals and a similar amount of stresses, improving the pace slightly. Sorry if i am nitpicking but i have found people picking up minor points in my uni coursework highly helpful, and hope it might be helpful to you too: -) Anyway, overall, good pacing. Your poem is short, simple but gets the message across really really effectively. Keep on at it

The grammar and punctuation isn't perfect in this poem, but I hardly noticed it, immersed in the truth and simple beauty of it.

A broken heart, a divided team, each is a shattered dream that can lead many to a cry for help.