Vincent Dali


The Broken Clock Of This Wonderland

Poem by Vincent Dali

I would love to expose her to my wonderland,
My world of fantasy
To share with her what makes me tick, tock
The working clock shows her a light heart, but a dark mind
That is if she does not mind
The time it takes to make her mine

My heart light with love
My body burning up in lust
Yet my mind a cool and dark place
For her to chill, not to the bone
But merely the soul
So she may strut and gaze upon my mind in this wonderland

Unfazed by morals’ shadow casting down
Walking around cool under a tree of mirrors
That reflects stairs, stairs we share in a stroll
To the clock tower
Yet in this land of majesty time makes us neither grow old or cower

She enjoys the euphoric scent of the wind
The rain pours orange in spite of a darkened cloud above
Angels sing, yet not of love
They merely mock these demons
For their hideous faces make only moans of obsessive envy

Yet, as clockwork orange as can be
Nothing is as it seems
So be what it may
This world of fantasy does not exists in days nor years, nor tears, nor skin
Only a world created from within

An imagination grown in the center of its garden
Its fruit sweeter than her lips
Yet its juice much weaker, less succulent than that which flows between her hips
Upon my lips trickles ice sickles
Yet they remain unfrozen

The vegetation rejoices as it is watered by her
The doors purr as she unlocks them
Too many doors for an infinite God to count
So she paces herself and opens them without self doubt
Puppets and strings, and zombie like things caught in a spider’s web
Dark skeletons catching rain in there mouths
Yet in vain for it flows smoothly through their hollow beings
She enjoys these sights
She is not blinded by darkness or light
She appears everyway to be just right

So all doors are open to her
If it takes her forever
I will be her infinite audience of implore
For every door explored will open another
Deep in the forest of many unforgiving lore
Future, past, even present exists no more
Only this wonderland of fantasy exists
And the woman I adore - forevermore


Comments about The Broken Clock Of This Wonderland by Vincent Dali

  • Jess Bards (3/30/2009 1:12:00 AM)

    this is great how the words just work together(Report)Reply

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  • Amy (2/19/2009 4:44:00 PM)

    the title matches very well
    great effort is shown here
    great work, love this poem :)(Report)Reply

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  • Lorraine Margueritte Gasrel Black (2/17/2009 8:11:00 PM)

    Very introspective work filed with many angles and twists...a ten from me.....(Report)Reply

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  • Charlotte Davis (2/17/2009 7:43:00 PM)

    you did a amazing job on this poem(Report)Reply

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  • Christina Phan (2/17/2009 6:53:00 PM)

    awww i luv this one n its really gd.(Report)Reply

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  • Katie Morris (2/17/2009 6:50:00 PM)

    hey, i really liked this, it reminded me of alice in wonderland, even though i never properly saw the film or read the book. Nice work!
    kate xx(Report)Reply

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  • Alexis Mccall (2/17/2009 6:25:00 PM)

    I love this poem. You can really picture what you are saying.(Report)Reply

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  • Pandora Chaos (2/17/2009 1:11:00 PM)

    This is an amazing poem. very discriptive.

    'puppets an strings, and zombie like things caught in a spider's web' this was my favorite line in this poem.

    Good work on ur poem(Report)Reply

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  • Cutesy Gurl (2/14/2009 1:13:00 PM)

    This was very ineresting, different, but I found it to be very good.(Report)Reply

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  • Ken SuhKen Suh (2/13/2009 11:54:00 PM)

    this is an excelletn peom: ! ! ! ! ! 10(Report)Reply

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  • Sunflower Field (2/13/2009 11:22:00 PM)

    It was Awesome. Good job.(Report)Reply

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  • Kiarra Smith (2/13/2009 11:18:00 PM)

    Okay...how shall I critiique this? I think I will simply go piece by piece. Alright, here I go:

    STANZA ONE
    The first line interesting, but strong enough where it will move the reader's eyes to the line that follows. 'Expose' is an intriguing verb choice, because many people use the word 'expose' in a negative context ('she was exposed to the AIDS virus' or 'he exposed himself in public') . Using that word almost makes you falter, think twice about going into the wonderland. Of course, the first line sets the precedence for the entire poem. Some people may seem the line as a sexual reference, others as simply a whimsical line of fantasy.
    Get rid of the second line 'My world of fantasy'. It is redundant almost because since a wonderland is usually a fantasy, so you don't have to repeat the same idea twice. The rest of the lines in the first stanza could be altered a bit. I start to move away from the poem at the lines that say 'The working clock shows a light heart, but a dark mind.' There have been numerous poems written about Janus faced people (two faces) . It is clicheish because the light heart and dark mind have been used in poetry countless times. I'd delet the line 'shows her a light heart and a dark mind' and just leave 'The working clock'. Also, delet the line 'tock' because the rhyme with clock would sound corny. Either rephrase or delet the line 'The time it takes to make her mine'. It is an overused ideal. Renew it through rephrasing.

    STANZA TWO
    This entire stanza is almost a giant mass of overused figurative language, but I know that you can fix it. The imagery of the light heart and the body burning with lust has been overdone way too much in other people's writing. Sometimes in poems, things need to be edited out and I think this stanza is not needed. Instead, replace this stanza with the third stanza. The third stanza goes into more descriptions of the wonderland and goes staright to the subject of the clock tower. That way it won't seem that you are being too wordy...

    STANZA THREE
    I love the line about the mirrors underneath the tree. It is very beautiful imagery, literary illustration. Instead of saying 'that reflects stairs', just say 'reflects stairs'. You want to see how you can say a lot using less words. After 'reflects stairs' make the line after that 'we share a stroll' and get rid of 'stairs we share in a stroll.' When you say 'we share a stroll' the line after that is 'to the clock tower', which grammatically speaking makes perfect sense. The line 'Yet in this land of majesty time makes us neither grow old or cower' is pretty long. Break it up and inser different pieces throughout the poem.

    STANZA FOUR
    I love the first line of this stanza 'she snjoys the euphoric scent of the wind.' It gives tangibility to happiness. The line after that has the potential of being broken up, it is rather long and a mouthful. Work on the rest of the lines of this stanza. You're starting to become bluntly obvious when you start talking about angels, demons, and hideous faces. Some areas of your poem make vague because doing so will add an element of mystery. After all, it IS a wonderland. Using a blurry image will make the reader wonder.

    STANZA FIVE
    Get rid of the line 'Nothing is as it seems' because #1. That is a cliche and #2 since you are in a wonderland it is obvious that nothing will be as it appears to be. Don't use 'So be what it may' and the last two lines of this stanza. You are going into too much description of the fantasy world and the description isn't necessary, at least not for this poem.

    STANZA SIX
    Change 'An imagination grown in the center of its garden' by deleting 'an'. Doing this will almost personify imagination. Break up the line about the juice and the 'less succulent'. You can even make 'less succulent a line of its own. You may have spelled icicles incorrectly, unless you were referring to the shape a blood cell makes when a person has sickle cell disease

    STANZA SEVEN
    This is your strongest stanza and I wouldn't change much, I'd just delet 'She enjoys these sights' and 'she appears every way to be just right'. You spelled 'their' as 'there'. Get rid of the 'and' before the word 'Opens' and then make 'Opens them without self-doubt' a separate line after 'She paces herself'. Get rid of the 'so' that comes before 'she paces herself'.

    STANZA EIGHT
    Chnage the first line to 'All doors are open to her'. Delete the line 'If it takes forever' because you speak about being her infinite audience in the line after that. Work with the lines that come after you talking about being her infinite audience.



    That's all I have to say.(Report)Reply

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  • The Young Phenomenon CJ Wright (2/13/2009 10:38:00 PM)

    this kind of poetry just like this makes me speechless and man oh man I am favoring this poem big time 10/10(Report)Reply

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  • Shaffras Mahamoor (2/13/2009 10:36:00 PM)

    total drama is here, in the lines...arousing inner feelings. nicely penned piece..(Report)Reply

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  • Hailie Workman (2/12/2009 8:48:00 PM)

    wow that is so amazing that im speechless. great job!(Report)Reply

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  • Estrella Baldemosa (2/12/2009 6:11:00 PM)

    imagery is wonderful, innovative mind of a clever poet.(Report)Reply

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  • Mystic Angel (2/12/2009 5:57:00 PM)

    this poem is soo..... sensational. i admire ur writing(Report)Reply

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  • Beth Whittaker (2/12/2009 5:56:00 PM)

    The fourth stanza is my favorite.Also, great use of words and many creative ideas.(Report)Reply

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  • Sad _eyes (2/12/2009 5:20:00 PM)

    It makes me feel loved by someone out there i love the way you worded it(Report)Reply

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  • Virginia Jennings (2/11/2009 11:02:00 PM)

    Very nice, i would try condensing it though. Thanks.(Report)Reply

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Poem Submitted: Wednesday, February 11, 2009