The Hearing Poem by Tatiana Elliott

How can you justify being angry at God when there is no justification
So how can you speak in your grief? Where can you find emancipation?

How can I speak, what would I say?
'I'm unhappy with all the beautiful gifts that you gave'?

'Though you gave the best; my stomach it's in knots'
How can I hate this good thing that I've got?

And I can't explain it
No, not in words
They are wrong, stiff and tangled
Spoken from the disturbed

I can explain it in an action.
Pulling my blanket over my head
Hiding in cluttered comfort
Sinking in my bed.

I can explain it; running hard
but I just can't get away
Hoping to wear out from the journey
Just to rest another day

I can explain it in the pulling a pillow to your chest
Because all you want is comfort
And all us people; we're a mess

I can explain it in the hiding
In the drawing far away
I can't express it in a prayer
For I've lost the words to say

But I've seen it in Elijah
When he hid inside that cave
He felt it all too much for him
Faith shaken, ashamed and afraid

There too in Adam and Eve
On sins fatal birthday
They hid from God in the garden
Amidst perfection; they learnt shame

To hide from the all-knowing God
It hardly can make sense
Unjustified; They hid for they were shamed
And could not themselves make it mend

I am shamed and I'm afraid
Though I cannot phrase of what
Though I want to draw away and in the darkness
Be forgot

My Stomach it is sinking
and these eyes they well with tears
I'm in pain, though I'm unharmed
Angry at the one who hears

Jesus is the solution
For this fog of shame and fear and pain
So I might not go into hiding
But might rejoice again at each new day

Yet Lord, I don't know how I'm to approach this?
Still a concept, not instructions
But please let not this bitterness take root
And lead to my destruction

Help me to forgive and find your peace in every day
Help me to stay focused on your beauty and your grace
And Lord of fear and might, oh please help this heart have faith
As you lead me on and out; help me persevere in this race