The Other Letter #mcl 8 Poem by Kondwelani Tembo Nguluwe

To You, Berenice...



I remember the first I knew you to exist;

You made a call and
Recited a poem that
Honestly I can't recall but
I know it was you
'Cause you were the only one
That called and screamed Maaa!
On phone
-
Who does that on a show?

From that Tuesday of - whatever
I heard you say
I just couldn't wait to say;
I...
Have heard that voice before -
What would cause me to fall
For - Not only with your voice
But one I'd never met before

I should've seen
It didn't seem to make much sense
I must've gone nuts
Before the ground
In the shell I was bound
To dig you all year round

And - maybe it will pass;
Like flickering candle lights,
Bright before burning out
You have a crush,
Don't rush,
Infatuation never really lasts

But maybe time may not be right
I ain't really an expert
In such matters of the heart
So I took a chill pill till time brought us Taco Hut
Where Noma' was taking over where I'd sat

Then you were called to the front
By geeky Chipego
And stood up on that crate
I saw you recite
Thinking; 'This dolly gal in boots is chaffing Christ'
You looked so small
And I thought; Oh, gosh! No, I can't
She's too young but
I guess it was just my height

So I went home
Still crushed
Still
stupid about no numbers got...

I thought it'd be over
But months later
Riding past a jogger
Past Crossroads mall
Which should be close by Kabulonga,
Now I think it over,

I wished our paths could cross
And not cross out the bearer
Moreover
Christ was crucified on it
And I could've gotten your address correct
If only you'd said it over
And over time, then, maybe I could've rode over

But scratch that
I rode past the Hut
Saw it from a long sight
Plus I had rode all the way
All day and was losing light

So I went home
Still crushed
Still
stupid about no numbers got

But I had to find you
Had to somehow find a way through to you
See, all I had was a by-the-by and Philip
And to him the question about you wouldn't leap
Out of my mouth through my lip
So I lived flip after flip
Through memories, page after page
Till a year and a day after the stage
Before I knew your age

You seemed ecstatic turning eighteen
Up and down in the stands you were bobbing and jumping
As if you live in the same, cruel hood as Lockdawg
And it's something unseen

And because of some scene
That I had seen
I had to reconsider telling you
That last I -
My eye fell upon you that I -
Really wanted to tell you that I -

Kinda liked the gesture at the gazebo
Though it was a tighter crowd with so many people
And you could've easily asked somebody else to deliver me the info
But you chose to tell yourself
And you - I don't know
Maybe you missed me also
And I should've done so
But I couldn't find the tree to pluck up enough courage to say so

I - went home
Still crushed
Still
stupid about no numbers got

I made one thing sure that time
I wasn't gonna let more of it pass away
Minus getting your line
And giving you
Mine heart felled and condensed

I really think what I should've done is give you your line

When I lost it in writing
Taking so long to call, ringing
But it wasn't your voice speaking
And I hardly saw you at the meeting
Where I never wanted to be missing
Just in case of your presence looming
And that's saying something

So I was wondering and wandering in mind, what next?
If she says yes,
With this Mikrophone
Am I ready set?
While Vic started saying; bruh, forget
And I saw that your crew had met
I told him let me have these guys checked out
Before they check out
And one moment led to the next
No thing seemed to have changed inside this heart

And I crush into you
Like a runaway train
Still
stupid about no numbers got...

Till I ran into you by Levy
I wondered how I a sage would be
No chain-mail or horse, of course
But a backpack lighter than the heart was heavy
As a dozer it could've trampled the woods so lengthy

There were cops around
But they didn't arrest me
Pro'ly they thought we looked lesser juvenile so they let me...

I ain't so saintly
And I'm not so comfortable with the word baby
But I'll blame it on your friend, Xeniah maybe
That I had cold feet
That after a few feet
That left me tensely
That like Poe for some time
I remain stagnant in motion

So I had to hit you up
To chat you up
Up to the point I said I had something up
That's what's up
FB is slower so I had to man up
Ready table this up
But for some reason I re-bagged it up
-

So I went home
-
To my FB page
-
Still crushed
Still
stupid about no numbers got
...

You should be agreeing with my being stupid, see
I'm just tryna be candid, B

'Cause when we came to C.Embassy
I rightly recall you asking me
Do you have something to ask of me
And I couldn't open my mouth wide enough, probably

When I first saw you dance
Then I first saw you crushed
With all the fuss over rehearsal, staging
Darsus vexing, saying
Bernice and Chikwa, you keep talking and talking and talking
And in the end be told our thing ain't happening

See, I went home
With guilt,
And still crushed
Still
stupid about no numbers got

And on top of that;

We sat next to each other on that K-Star show
With Eddie and Gary beatboxing on the Chi Gelo
In my head I considering making that song about you
So later I could be skankin that song for you

But time never stood
Talkin' about curfews
Organ harvests and campaign Rules
for leaders we choose

So I had to leave you beside that dude
Jealous of him but safety first
And find what's true
Still crushed
Still
stupid about no numbers got
-

I know that's quite un-gentlemanly of sons of the Son
But I can't see how I can be The One
When time says do for one
You stood out as one
With a bright halo space,
A smile upon your face

I mean, at Do For One
You were the one
Whose face I saw more than one
Times more through the eye of a lense
That made me wish I had more reason than one to tell

I know how this will sound
Like I'm conceding defeat
But really I'm tryna compensate
For the ideas lost -
Never got sought
To make you the one
To hold
To have to say yes

I should've told you
I fell in love with you
Before I fell in love withthe shape of you
Unlike lineage
When the lust comes first

And I do know that
But I would be happy enough
To have in you my forever crush...



Yours Always Crushed,
Smiley Thefir5t





© My Confessional Letters - Smiley NTK Thefir5t
05-07-2017