The Tenth Letter (Epistle)#mcl 10 Poem by Kondwelani Tembo Nguluwe

The Tenth Letter (Epistle)#mcl 10

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To any concerned,

If I die of depression
Know it didn't come out of the blue
Do they recognize my existence as often
As I in my lonesome moments do

Listen -
This one's crude to the core
It's proof and it's true as the ones before
It started as a joke

When my effort to be tact
Earned me a moment at the teacher's desk
A great privilege that some thought a burdensome task
That's not what Sam sought to ask
For he carries his on his back

And shoulder and his dad had more than that in mind for his son
But you know how teens are
They'd sooner believe you're restricting their free Facebook than
Believe you have their best interests at heart;
Twishe that

Anyhow, mi familia
Distant or near
By blood or sheer
Electropolar I own that
Spearheads us to glory through Zeus's thunderbolts;
I mean heaven's doors

Even though blood is thicker than water
That flows
Through the deepest depths of the earth and heights
And the hardest of objects;
Penetrating rock
The most potent of elements;

Even from the High of watching that ping pong ball
Bounce over the net; skipping lines in Maluz his story
We landed on common ground...

To be Frank with you
Her hand wasn't as to
A caterpillar dipped in ink and let to
Roll over the page to me
It was nice to have someone write in my book for a change
Someone that wasn't me
So see, yours and my choice of a mate
May not be alike
Unlike when we fall for the same girl

I recall times when I'd think
To just do my thing
And I'd marvel at people who marvelled at me
I could break down the bring-downs
Explaining them to simpler terms
They could go beyond a break of a sweat in a tough industry
For a dollar a day
I was dependant but they were independent in some way
And time came and went
With changes that we may part ways

We've been through so much together
Through the calm and stormy weather
Violent enough to completely break us

Spent moments more than just passing time
Shared a little over a line
With a Taco and a soda of lime
To let all fall to dust in a single lie

We share sentiment
That came through my feeble effort
To reconnect
With people that did disconnect with us
It feels like I'm begging for this

'Cause all I hear them ask is what was I up to
Where was I hiding when they never see
Me drowning in the sea
of loneliness -
No one is there at my loneliest:
Maybe God...

I hope things may be better
Just like I recall mom describing Chellah
Saying, "You two could make quite the couple;
Of siblings"
And now I feel I should muster their features
In case memory escapes my reach out -
These are thoughts that bound my discourse

I wish you weren't so pretentious
Pretend you care to my face
But never there when I face adversaries
Pretend you are there but when I am there you are not
Pretend you are there for me when ask of you
But never really there for me of your own will
Am I forcing you to care?

You should know that wise rhymes with lies
Cause while I kick back, recline
In my whicker barefoot
Under a safe roof
Somebody's searching for reason to give me the boot

I am forgiving and mostly forgetful
So remind me not to remember to forget to forgive you
That's what you do
You are never there when I need you to pull through

I've died before
So many times in my head
If you think you've seen it all
Then what goes here you have never before heard

Yes, I have conceived such thoughts
As the Hemingway
The noose, the pills, the needle
Seen my wrists cry out scarlet
All along and you can't understand with all these egos
I guess it's easier to pretend
You knew someone in face of people
Especially when they're gone and dead

See in all my art career
I have one great fear
And it is not that I might die unknown
But that they would spread news of my death
More than the worth of my sweat

So if you ever hear that I died of depression
Just know that I got tired of begging to be loved...

My hoodboys and hoodgals
I always wished I can do something more
Wished I could shew my shrewdness way before now
I know most of y'all envy them boujie peeps that go
'Started from the bottom' now they somewhere
Life uplifted up out of a miser
While I in the hood just keep lifting bottoms up
Pa amake mpundu bottoms up
Pa amai tili kuseli bottoms up

And the truth is some of us ain't proud of that
Like how can one's life surmount to that?
At peak it's their guillotine
Hangover to be cleared off by another hangover

I believe we can change what our lives have succumbed to
I believe we can break out of this vicious cycle
Poverty is a state of mind after all

You have to decide to change your state of mind
If you fail to decide then try to get my aims to incite a feeling of progress
This is just background music
So I press play hard to recite this verse...

Solomon, whose vision travels beyond what his feet can
Whose will is strong beyond what he's seen done
Whose capabilities transcend his inabilities
That entail of failure
Who is wise beyond I
Maybe that's why he's so named

He could attempt fits that me and some alike are ashamed
To the world he may seem a cripple
But he sees himself as an equal
He can give a lesson to the learned

I have all ways had it hard to fit in
This box is just not big enough
I tried to make a joke
But it pro'ly missed its mark
Yes, I'm ready and set
But cleally I am not on your mark

I did my best to love
And if anybody asks why I stopped
Tell them I got tired of begging to be loved
Tell them the were from the same heart
That was opened and left apart
Tell them to remember me... or not...

'Cause no matter how many times you try to ask to be remembered
You cannot control how you'll be honoured... or not
The memories of you that are kept or thrown away...

Yours, Smiley NTK Thefir5t

The Tenth Letter (Epistle)#mcl 10
Thursday, November 8, 2018
Topic(s) of this poem: depression,neglect
Jazib Kamalvi 09 November 2018

Very impressive write, Kondwelani. You may like to read my poem, Love And Iust. Thank you.

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