The Party Poem by Claudia Krizay

Laughter filled the room;
Streamers decorated the ceiling-
My fourth birthday,
I knew I was beautiful in
My favorite party dress-
Lights dimmed as
I blew out the candles
On my cake-
Cherry frosting upon
Angel food,
My very favorite-
Inside I was
Echoing my mother’s smile-
I was a different star,
Though bright and
Beaming with happiness –
I loved myself-
A different star,
Though too young to fathom
Life’s meaning,
Too naïve to
Read the pain behind my mother’s smile-
Trees would shed illumination upon
My inner space,
Surrounding our New England mansion and
Their branches tossed about in the
Late January wind-
One day that star’s light would burn out,
That I could not then foresee-
Lying on a hard blue mattress in a seclusion room,
Only ten years later,
My life would transform to
The land of the dead-
Rain would inundate my inner space,
As my mother would lie motionless in her bed,
Covers rumpled and nobody cared-
Nobody cared that I was screaming inside, and
Cut off from reality-
Streamers adorned the ceiling in a different place-
My 15th birthday spent listening to records
On a scratched phonograph in a hospital solarium,
The foul stench of urine permeating the room as
I, lost in another time and space,
Blew out the candle on the stale Hostess cupcake as
Other patients sang “Happy birthday”
Each in their own key-
I hardly remembered
My favorite party dress, or the cherry frosting because
The anger and pain I felt
Were just to overpowering-
The late January wind
Rattled the cracked window in the seclusion room-
“Happy birthday” became the saddest song-
I was hardly beautiful in
That seersucker hospital gown,
The hatred I felt towards myself
Was becoming as overwhelming as
The rage I felt towards my mother-
For giving birth to me-
This institution was a far cry from
That New England mansion and
I was weeping inside bitter tears of despair-
The lights were dimming, and I didn’t care-
Because my world had become so dark already that
I could not distinguish reality from unreality, and
My mother’s smile was
None but a shadow, which has
Vanished in the cruel late January wind...