The anxiety rises up.
The words okay you got this.
So she not into you.
Oh no girl you got it all wrong.
You didn't hurt my feelings.
I won't wait for anyone that long.
I won't let myself live in that constant pain.
I won't, oh no I can't.
Time has no patience, so neither do I.
You won't admit or deny it either way your now cut off.
I won't put myself through a blender to make yourself feel better about you.
Ego will never cure these vain tears.
The problem is you can't commit, and don't want to risk it.
But if you wait it's already too late.
Because uncertainty is something I already live with everyday.
An empty response is a casket being buried.
My heart is not a toy, you can't play with it before your ready to let go.
I get it, you want the healing that I can provide.
But what you don't understand is that comes with its own cost physically and mentally.
Atleast for me.
Worn to the bone, so tired of being alone.
So tired of friends trying to buy their way into my good graces, while there untieing my laces.
Please give me a push and watch me fall.
Yes a good laugh.
If only for entertainment purposes.
A constant comedy act.
But never of my own making.
Yes I'm out right denying that is my refection.
Infact I'm saying the mirror doesn't even really exist.
Head games oh no you can't romance me that way.
I won't chase when the response is so numb.
I feel so dumb I fell for you and open myself up.
Showed you my insides, only to watch you completely ignore everything I had to say.
I was so ready to love you with everything that I had.
And I will accept it as is.
I will no longer go out of my way, not as punishment but I don't want feed the flame that you could possibly change.
Because I don't think you ever will.
I'm just part of a memory of a time when you were with him.
In a ghosts skin.
How do I explain how that feels.
A shadow chasing the sun.
Only to realize it's a game that can never be won.