There's No Pretending To Be Something I Don'T Want To Be Poem by mona martinez

it use to come so easy,
me being what guys want,
a girl without fear,
and a girl who knew,
just how to take control,
now it's like,
all i am is me,
there's no pretending,
theres no i need this many,
just so i can feel good about myself,
it like that part of myself,
is slowly dying and i'm ok with it,
it was what i hated being,
a girl who was lost,
and had no control,
she get it the only way,
that she knew how,
it all i know,
and what little ppl can understand,
i never had a chance,
to say how i feel,
to speak up,
when something wasn't right,
i was force to take what was given,
to keep quiet,
take it with a smile,
and just be 'that girl, '
a girl who was numb,
and cut off from her feelings,
still am,
it what makes it hard to communicate,
inside i still feel like that scared little girl,
afraid to speak up,
when something isn't right,
speaking up sometimes lead,
to feeling more alone,
denial and memory loss,
what mask the pain,
just so i won't have to feel it,
anything that brings that pain flooding back,
is what i want to avoid,
sometimes i don't care how i avoid it,
just as long as i can ease the pain.