Unconfusing My Thoughts Poem by mona martinez

when i was young,
i didn't really have a say,
in what i wanted to do,
and what i didn't want to do,
i kind of only had one choice,
was to do what an adult told me,
never had a choice,
on who i didn't want to be around,
just kind of had to put up with it,
i say i had to put up with a lot of things,
things that made no sense at the time,
that i'm making up for now,
lost who i was along the way,
was told that wasn't who i am,
and that who i am,
was better,
now it seems like all i know how to be,
inner voice telling me,
'you know it true.'
in a way it what keeps me doing,
most of the things i don't want to do,
'do this, it will make you feel better.'
'think of how good you will feel after.'
'it what you want.'
lies, lies, and more lies,
all sounding like they came from my abuser,
it what feels so right,
but deep down i know it wrong,
still the bad,
normally beat out the good,
it something i don't like,
but something i haven't found out how to change,
yet the more twisted in my mind i get,
the more confused i become,
part of the past is still stronger,
than i want it to be,
thought i was making changes,
but during the times i feel so right,
is the time i feel numb,
and cut off from my feelings,
it what make all the wrong choices in life,
seem so right.