Understanding Me Poem by mona martinez

i never really understood,
why my childhood was blank,
why i just couldn't remember it,
who would want to remember it?
pain, covered with more pain,
yeah there was love and hugs,
but everything get clouded,
nothing makes sense,
no matter how much love,
i was shown as a child,
it still don't take,
all of the bad memories,
filled with hate, shame, and anger,
i do things that are not me,
at first i couldn't tell you why,
but as it all start to make sense to me,
it's all pointing to the two events in my life,
it what changed me to see man,
as just sick animals,
it changed me to think,
my body was only good for,
just sex nothing more,
it's what is planted in your head,
like a posionious seed,
that should be rejected from the earth,
but instead it gets trapped,
being something,
it just don't want to be,
until it dries up and die,
sometimes it feels like all live is,
a place with just pain,
some good comes,
but only a few times,
most of all,
most things just lead to heartbreak,
after a while.