When I Was Younger Poem by Elizabeth Jackson

When I was younger,
There were voices in my head
That told me I shouldn't be alive
That I shouldn't have the chance
To burden, no, enhance
The world with my abilities
That I was the filthy scum
You pry off your dirty shoes with hostility
After walking over the beaten path…
You'd find me there
Underwater but still breathing
Reaching for a knife, nay, anything
Which could help me catch my breath after heaving

When I was younger,
Bruises were my butterflies
That kept me from my tired eyes
I didn't know then what I know now
That battle scars would pierce my wrists
So that one day I may truly live
People told me I was different
People told me I was special
But my parents would be screaming
In my ears, when I'd be bleeding
Not because of my own actions
But because of her overreactions
She'd scream at him and begin to cry
While all her kids would try to hide

When I was younger,
Bullies were in the girl's bathroom,
Who walked over floor mats like myself
Who'd stab my back and scream for help
Who looked in the mirror as much as I
But if they'd look a little longer…
They'd see the teacher's pet break down in tears
Who saw things you'd hide from, for years
Been on diets since she was seven
Wishing to end it and find a heaven
But if she was gone, who would take care
Of her 4 brothers who pulled by her hair
Or her sister who, still so young
Would soon see what would become
Of me

When I was younger,
I was the mother, the sister, the friend
The goodie-two-shoes who sat at the end
Back then may seem like long ago to you
But I had no childhood to see me through
My grades of all A's were my degree
I majored in emotions
Minored in therapy
Just because I was young, does not mean I was beautiful
It was my past life
Even if not palatable
By you, who does not know what it's like
To be up at night and clutching your wounds
You may know me, but do not assume
That you can be a part of my life
Just because you took away my knife

When I was younger,
I did not think that I was young
My first instinct was not to run
When I was younger,
Depression was my identity
It kept me from insanity
When I was younger,
I lived in the past
But today, life is in my grasp