A Will? You Serious? Poem by Herbert Nehrlich

Keeps nagging me about a will
I had not thought that I was ill.
We must protect and serve the kiddoes,
just look how many lonely widows
sit on a pile of unpaid bills
while taking for the heart five pills.

It's stress caused by the oversight
of not remembering to write
what assets go to whom, what not,
it really wasn't a great lot
but one's affairs need to be seen
as fair, transparent, squeaky clean.

Well, to appease my pouting spouse
I sat there in our mortgaged house
and wrote, using a borrowed pen
a will to please the mother hen.

Let's see, if it is me they take
I leave the icing of the cake
to my beloved left behind
which she would also do, in kind
if luck should have it that she croaks
I'll bury her beneath the oaks
and ring that floozy that I met
down at the club, she's called Babette.

The kids, we have six girls and boys,
we bought them thousands of new toys
and fed them only healthy stuff,
I think that may just be enough
they're living on their own of course
the youngest even has a horse.

I figure they should learn the rules
that are not taught in normal schools,
stand on your own and save your dough
then watch two-digit interest grow.
Do not rely on Mum and Dad,
instead be happy, guys, and glad
that you have folks who really care
and taught you kids that fair is fair.

If I, the patriarch of all
should be the parent last to fall,
I ask you to sit down together
and listen to your sister Heather
who knows her figures thoroughly
as your accountant, after me,
she'll allocate to each a sum
that you will pay and thus become
a patron of your father's wake
that IS the icing on the cake!

The funeral, thus paid in cash
no body burning and no ash
I shall, dressed in my favourite suit
with cufflinks, looking rather cute,
rest on the pillow of goose down
and wearing Kaiser Wilhelm's crown.

Next day will be the presentation,
awaited with much titillation
the testament will then be read
the reason being, I am dead.

Please do not fight, there is no need
you know your parents let no greed
come in between themselves in life
it was just husband loving wife.

You should, when all the debts are counted
and taxes, fees and fines surmounted
end up with one small obligation
which need not lead to litigation
I say, just pay each stupid bill
that's why I wrote this special will.