Apple With Aplomb Poem by gershon hepner

I sing a sin that God forgave—
some blame it on the snake. Eve gave
to Man an apple with aplomb.
He took it from her, playing dumb,
not knowing what most girls and boys and
girls and guys know––it was poisoned,
for fruit that has been touched by snakes
can cause most dreadful stomach aches
and lead to horrid consequences,
like sexual license, with expenses
all payable straight on demand.
God just told Man of His command:
“Eat only of the fruit I choose––
eat others, you’ll be sure to lose! ”

Forbidden fruit that is exotic
has side-effects some find erotic,
ingratiating for the groin,
creating urges that it join
another loin to find relief
in pleasure that’s beyond belief,
while violating laws most quaint,
demanding sexual restraint.

He was so glad he’d asked for fruit,
although it stained his birthday suit.
The Bible doesn’t really say
it was an apple, and it may––
because the fruit he ate illicitly
is not identified explicitly––
have been a citron or wild grapes,
or even wheat. We have no tapes
recording truly what occurred,
but let’s stick with the apple word,
the cause of fall of Man and fun,
both bad and good––a Latin pun,
since mala, as per Classics grad,
means not just “apple”, but means “bad”.

The fresh fruit that they are was juicy,
and caused them to feel loosey-goosey.
Quite soon Eve felt far less uptight
than she had been the previous night,
when Adam said (do you believe?) ,
“You cannot have a headache, Eve! ”
Fruit-frisky, once she’d seen him score,
she cried out with great joy “Encore! ”
and begged twice more to be accosted,
all night ecstatic, not exhausted.
That’s why they were so happy when
the serpent came, and said “Amen”
to all the things that it implied
when telling Eve that God had lied
about the fruit that He’d held back––
it was an aphrodisiac
more powerful than drugs that Pharma
now sells to penetrate the armor
protecting those who have no taste
for sex, preferring to be chaste.

As soon as they had eaten they
lasciviously began to play,
emancipated by embraces,
finding joy in hidden places,
whose purpose has not been disclosed
when God had first them juxtaposed.
Publicly, with pleasure pubic,
they joined like carnal cubes of Rubik,
and both had climaxes so noisy
they could be heard in downtown Boise
from close to Baghdad, where it happened
that they consensually were rapined.
Eve’s climaxes caused great delight;
not all girls on their wedding night
have any, it has been reported,
and many from such joys are thwarted,
because what often happens is
like champagne bottles popped sans fizz.
Since Eve had lots, let’s give her credit,
though further details I’ll out-edit.

They fell asleep a long time after;
when God observed, He smiled with laughter.
Of course that’s why He’d never hidden
the fruit He’d told them was forbidden.
He’d always hoped that they’d discover
the fruit that turns Man into lover,
and helps a woman, too, to come––
not all, I’m sad to say, but some––
and when He heard how they both snored,
He held from Damocles the sword,
and did not kill them as He’d threatened.
The moment that first Woman wettened,
her ecstasy caused Him delight
which she’d succeeded to ignite,
and long before her husband came
He judged them both quite free of blame.
Although they paid a dreadful cost––
their paradise was found, not lost.

God said: “To spoil their fun I’m loath,
because I love to watch them both.
I’ll let them carry on for ever;
their loving bond I will not sever.
But it is damp out on the grass––
al fresco sex has little class.
When morning comes, I’ll give My pardon,
then drive them from this Eden garden,
as Shiites do the Sunni pack,
and Sunnis Shiites in Iraq.
Let both of them live in a mansion,
which, after kids, may need expansion,
but once they leave their home, divest,
and turn into an empty nest.
For leisure, when they’re feeling woozy,
I’ll build for them a great Jacuzzi,
providing Finnish trim, a sauna,
because they are my favorite fauna!
I love to watch them frolicking––
their fun is really rollicking.

“For ever let them carry on,
the hoi phalloi phenomenon
that I approve, since I enjoy
predicting whether girl or boy––
without the help of ultrasound
my gender skill is most profound.
I hope their love will long endure,
not spoiled by thoughts of being pure,
as some ascetic angels wish.
Though angel haloes like a dish
around their heads will always shine
because their noble thoughts are fine,
I do prefer these human devils,
and love to watch their randy revels,
their misbehavior at their prom,
disappareled with aplomb! ”

Thus Adam got to know his wife:
these facts are true, the facts of life.
7/21/96,5/31/06,5/29/07