At Your Service: Meeting Your Every Need Poem by Paul Butters

Thank you for calling, my valued friend.
This call will be monitored for training
And quality purposes.

For Fame and Fortune press one.
For Love press two.
For Spiritual enlightenment press three.
For Happiness press four.
And for all other wishes, desires, wants and needs
Press five.
Thank you.

Using your keypad, please give us your
Main telephone number
And Press hash.
One of our advisers will answer your call
Within fifteen minutes.
Alternatively you can order call-back
By pressing one...

Hello I’m Pandora,
Please may I have the first line of your address...
Right, I see that you have a decent job, an averagely attractive partner,
And you regularly go to church.

To start with, I would advise you to take
Our Premium Package.
That will cost you peanuts each month.
For that you will be a singer in a group,
Married to a good-looking groupie,
Any religion you choose.

Or for only a modest extra payment
You can have our Extra Deluxe Range:
Be a famous scientist-tycoon with a partner to match.
Just give me your bank details and I’ll arrange this
For You.

Gone?
Put this one on the cold-canvassing list.
Resistance is futile.

© PB Humberside, Wed.15\9\2010 at 19.20.