Being Everything Else Than Me Poem by mona martinez

it seems like family don't know who i am,
it's like they see that i changed,
they just don't like where i'm headed,
to me it feels normal,
almost like a little too normal,
a part of me feels like i'm heading down,
a simlar past that i don't like where it ended,
but totally different situation,
it feels like i'm not being truely who i am,
when i'm with a guy,
i put that mask on,
and i seem to be the girl,
they want me to be,
either way i still do my things,
to push people away,
i say things i know they don't like to hear,
i do things i know i don't like,
my actions are only based off of,
what i know that person would like,
i'm not doing anything that makes me truely happy,
i'm still doing what makes other people happy,
and i'm the one suffering from it,
no matter how i say my abuse didn't hurt me much,
the more it shows in everything i do,
i just been in denial to see it,
it's a believe that,
if you not numbing your body in an unhealthy way,
it not really called 'numbing'
if you can't recall what you doing,
until somebody points it out,
it only shows,
how deep in your denial,
you really was.