Ogden Nash

(August 19, 1902 – May 19, 1971 / New York / United States)

Common Cold - Poem by Ogden Nash

Go hang yourself, you old M.D.!
You shall not sneer at me.
Pick up your hat and stethoscope,
Go wash your mouth with laundry soap;
I contemplate a joy exquisite
I'm not paying you for your visit.
I did not call you to be told
My malady is a common cold.

By pounding brow and swollen lip;
By fever's hot and scaly grip;
By those two red redundant eyes
That weep like woeful April skies;
By racking snuffle, snort, and sniff;
By handkerchief after handkerchief;
This cold you wave away as naught
Is the damnedest cold man ever caught!

Give ear, you scientific fossil!
Here is the genuine Cold Colossal;
The Cold of which researchers dream,
The Perfect Cold, the Cold Supreme.
This honored system humbly holds
The Super-cold to end all colds;
The Cold Crusading for Democracy;
The Führer of the Streptococcracy.

Bacilli swarm within my portals
Such as were ne'er conceived by mortals,
But bred by scientists wise and hoary
In some Olympic laboratory;
Bacteria as large as mice,
With feet of fire and heads of ice
Who never interrupt for slumber
Their stamping elephantine rumba.

A common cold, gadzooks, forsooth!
Ah, yes. And Lincoln was jostled by Booth;
Don Juan was a budding gallant,
And Shakespeare's plays show signs of talent;
The Arctic winter is fairly coolish,
And your diagnosis is fairly foolish.
Oh what a derision history holds
For the man who belittled the Cold of Colds!


Comments about Common Cold by Ogden Nash

  • Nicole Settimi (4/1/2019 8:33:00 AM)

    'The Cold Crusading for Democracy;
    The Führer of the Streptococcracy. '

    - This is a sort of fun, but dry, witty piece. I like the humour. The lines above had me. it's definitely a " unique" write, so I say 10.

    Xx NDS
    (Report)Reply

    1 person liked.
    0 person did not like.
  • Britte Ninad (8/12/2018 4:14:00 AM)

    interesting -

    My malady is a common cold.
    (Report)Reply

    2 person liked.
    2 person did not like.
  • Loppo Louie (3/10/2017 9:14:00 AM)

    And need he say more.
    Right to the point...
    (Report)Reply

    5 person liked.
    2 person did not like.
  • (12/15/2016 12:07:00 PM)

    sounds like that was the cold to end all colds (Report)Reply

    6 person liked.
    1 person did not like.
  • Seamus O Brian (9/19/2016 6:01:00 PM)

    Quite the most enjoyable contemplation of illness I have ended in for some time. Certainly uncommon!
    :)
    (Report)Reply

    5 person liked.
    1 person did not like.
  • Margaret O Driscoll (2/15/2016 4:00:00 PM)

    Very funny piece on the common cold! ! (Report)Reply

    7 person liked.
    2 person did not like.
  • (6/16/2009 5:26:00 AM)

    humor while keeping pace and flow, amazing (Report)Reply

    14 person liked.
    5 person did not like.
  • (12/7/2007 4:38:00 PM)

    Only a talent like Ogden Nash could make a cold funny. This guy is my all time favourite. (Report)Reply

    15 person liked.
    4 person did not like.
  • (4/24/2006 11:22:00 AM)

    ogden nash is the steve colbert of poetry, (Report)Reply

    5 person liked.
    13 person did not like.
Read all 9 comments »



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Read poems about / on: april, history, winter, red, dream, fire, joy, sky



Poem Submitted: Friday, January 3, 2003



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