! Don'T You Wish Your Soul Was Larger? (Advt.) - Poem by Michael Shepherd
You were born with a little pink soul.
That didn’t seem to matter for your first ten years or so.
Then you started to compare it with what
other boys had swinging for them…
and of course, how girls were different,
but managed in their own private way…
then you discovered girls, bigtime. Well, for you, smalltime...
They didn’t mind the modest size of your soul, at first;
then they started giggling together, and
favoured some other guy like crazy
since it got around that he had a huge swinging soul
and knew just how to use it.
Now you’ve got a partner, and she doesn’t say anything
because she knows you’re very sensitive about this
but secretly, she wishes you had a larger soul…
and there’s your very handsome neighbour
who advertises by the way he dresses, carries himself
that he’s well-endowed in that department…
watch out; she may feel that she deserves
spiritual satisfaction from that guy
who sure spreads it around, from what
her girlfriends tell her…
Now I’m here to tell you –
There’s a cure. Several cures in fact.
There's using weights for it.. that’s
sometimes called hatha-yoga in Indian circles.
There’s the vacuum system – empty
your mind; that’s called jnana-yoga.
There’s the traditional method –
play with it a lot, get the bloodstream on your side…
love it and all it stands for, that's
Or there’s patches – like, say,
Church once a week…
A personal soul-massager can be expensive;
depends if you can keep up the urge to work;
But now, there’s tablets – easy, discreet,
available at any bookstore, or by post.
So which method would you prefer?
You surely can’t doubt your need by now – for
every boot-up brings reminders on the net
of just how tiny is your wee pink soul (how do they know...?)
Let’s give your soul a friendly name – say, Richard –
Ricky, Dicky, Rick, or Dick…
If you don’t believe this e-mail from a stranger,
ask your partner if she wouldn’t prefer
the deep and stirring, long and oh so frequent,
confident strutting you with your huge swinging soul..
or ask your soulmate: we’ve called him Dick:
wouldn’t he like to be a monster size?
be the talk of the neighbourhood,
get that special glance from all the hottest chicks?
And remember – in a few more years of this spamming,
and what is monster size now, will be standard issue then…
And by the way, we do a special junior version for your kids
but present law doesn’t allow us to advertise this…
(The Junior Patch comes in three styles: skin-colour; disguised
as Band-Aid; or with our bold and trendy logo - best ask Junior first...)
give your kids a bigger start in life…
it’s what all parents want…
Try our seven-day introductory course today –
you’ll be amazed, insatiable…and so will she…
We’d quote you at this point, the glowing testimonies
from satisfied and greater souls, hymning loud Our praise…
but I guess you know just how they’d read..
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