I Wasn't Capable Poem by Julia Luber

I guess I wasn't capable of becoming a fat loser gracefully.
I didn't know how to classily take on that appreciative matronly state
of life just for the sake of living it. Just to enjoy putting together a
decent lunch and dealing with medical issues and laughing about it
with my friends. And suffering over it with my friends. And simply
living and loving life for what it is in that amazing way that only
grandparents seem to do with some genuine and austere soul.
I wasn't capable of giving it all up: of admitting that I no longer
understand the market. Of admitting that simply making money for
whatever that means is just too hard and just takes too much hustling
for old folks like me. I just wasn't able to really break the bank by that
commission only sales job for which youneed so much independent
focus and discipline and tenacity and return. I just couldn't crack it.
I guess whatever rejections life threw my way simply hurt me too much
perhaps due to what followed and where they lead to. Perhaps because
that's just too complicated for any human being to deal with in any
humane way. And I guess I'm just not enough of a crazy sneaky serial
killer to get off on my pristine capacity to clean upmy tracks and feel
completely egotized by a community knowing nothing about who I am
and how clinically acutely accurate I am. And how if they had followed
my tip and my lead-what a hero I would have been. What a perfect
person I would have been understood to be. And how energized and
inspired I could be by that. I just could not pull it off. My hair is too
messy and my fat is too sloppy. And I'm just too fuckin' pisst off about
things you would never and will never understand.