Practicing Disappointment Poem by Lawrence S. Pertillar

Hmmm...
Could I if I choose,
Begin to spew a lot of venom.
Could I if I wanted,
Use the color of my skin.
And the experiences I have lived,
Being ridiculed and mentally abused.
To validate my moody temperment.
In ways to depict myself as a victim.

Hmmm.
And who would I spew this venom upon?
Let's see.
Would it be those who already know,
Disparities and self hatred.
Living lives torment by inequality.
And a wealth of injustices.
Long separated from identities.
Taught and accepting to disrespect.
Would my spewing add more or less,
To the grief they live and know to get.
Purposely inflicted on a daily basis.
By those using race as a color coating,
To smother their own insecurities.
They are unable to face.
Although manifest this to bait bigotry.

Hmmm...
Would my spewing of venom,
Done publicly.
Relieve a frustration.
To have this perceived,
I am releasing anxiety.
And this to do is the real me.
Marketed in the media.
On TV, MOVIES.
Giving reason to inflict their indignities.
As the 'real me' others expect me to be?
A clown. A fool. A beast of a human being.
How about a heathen.
One needing to be saved.
By 'peacekeepers' on missions.
Pillaging resources.
As if given permission,
To promote their lies and theft.
Done to re-write history.
To have it believed and accepted,
They were chosen by God.
With them created as God's favorites.
The best on Earth to be selected.

Hmmm.
Or should I continue,
Being that me I know to feel.
The me to know no one else pays my bills.
Or has of yet volunteered,
To delay their life...
Listening to hear,
Fresh excuses I can make.
Created from images God wishes I imitate.

Hmmm.
This business of spewing venom,
Is not as easy to fake.
To replace what I have with faith accomplished.
In spite of my skin color.
Or the frowns on my face.
Making attempts to fit in with others.
Others unaware,
How determination, desire and kept faith...
Remains to bless,
Even someone pretending...
To carry one or two chips on their shoulder.
Pumping up a deflated chest.
Walking tall with a swagger in my steps.
Hmmm.

"Why do you appear angry.
Every time I see you out,
Walking around in public."

I'm practicing disappointment.

"That does not make one bit of sense."

You know this and I know this.
But you have to admit,
It is effective.
Isn't it?

"People will begin to believe,
You have lost your mind."

And your point to make is what?
Today...
Those who are not,
Are thought to be threats.
Especially the ones,
Not expected to have a thought to think.
You know...
The ones who live to buy and consume,
As much as they can get of B.S.
And other nonsense to swallow.

"Whew!
I don't think you're practicing at all."

Why?
Should I tone it down a notch?
Too realistic for you?