The Scotch Pie Poem by Bob House

Wi hunger pangs I pushed the door
An’ entered in ma local store
Rushin’ roon in search o’ scran
I didnae want tae use a pan
Cause for that ah’d hae tae wait
Ma stomach wis in no fit state
I needed somethin’ fast and glorious
No time consuming and laborious

Skytin’ roon the veggie aisle
I couldnae help but raise a smile
Five fruit and veg eh? Man yer jokin’
Sic things wid hae us pair scots boakin’
Then as if by things divine
I happened on that fateful sign

Above the counter in the air
The words that made me stop and stare
Printed bold as bold can be
The words were callin’ jist tae me
I read whilst droolin’ it did say
“Hot Scotch Pies tae take away”

So I ordered wan, it wis delivered
I peeked inside the poke and shivered
Thus wafted oot it’s sweet aroma
Enough tae wake ye from a coma
I slipped ma haun inside tae grab it
Just like a fox wid chase a rabbit
 
I stared at it, it seemed an ‘oor
Its little flattened pastry toor
I watched the hole in its rounded cap
Fill wi grease that hid come tae the tap
Noo the heat to my hand from this pastry ring
Made it sensual like some livin’ thing

Not wanting to let this ardour cool
And conscious that I looked a fool
I raised the pie and took a bite
And god I must have looked a sight
For no sooner than the pie was in
The grease was tricklin’ doon ma chin

The pie’s lifeblood wis leakin fast
Ma friend stood there wi face aghast
This product o oor local fairm
Wis slowly runnin doon ma airm
I rammed what was left in my mouth in a hurry
I wished tae god I’d got a curry

But hauf had now fallen on the flair
And the grease wis spreadin everywhere
The shopkeeper opened the door with distaste
And bid us leave with undue haste
So noo I ken whit wise men ken
And I’ll never touch scotch pies again

So when pangs o hunger come
Think o me and whit I’ve done
Get yersel a balanced meal
And no a fast and ready deal
When fatty foods ye want tae try
Be minded o the guid scotch pie