The Sixth Letter #mcl 6 Poem by Kondwelani Tembo Nguluwe

The Sixth Letter #mcl 6

Dear God - I think;

I don't understand it
I don't really quite get it
I -

I've already taken that
"I ask you to come into my heart"
Prayer as a start
More than once at that

But I don't see -
What I don't understand is
While these words work well for others
For me it's hard;
Rock solid
And I become so stolid
To instances quite horrid

Like I am Pharaoh
With an untamed heart;
I am feral
No matter how high I got
Or how close I got to God
I'm no hero

The scales of my deeds still at zero
And I'm hoping you can help me move that needle
In my favor from the middle
Before Ammit has it as meal, ho!

Yes, I do believe there exists Jehena
There's a life after this life that's better
Or worse kapena
None of these lasts forever...

Seemingly different factions walk independent of one another
With ideologies that run parallel of each other
But at some point these ideals just weave together
Into a tapestry I can't make any sense of,
Nor execrate good of evil

Maybe it's 'cause I've indulged myself
So much in the depths of the heathen;
Drunk out of their wineskin
That I left God's ways on the shelf
And now my mentallity's misshapen

Or maybe it's just as it seems
This world was messed up even before the Messiah came

See I have talked with the best
I have walked with the best
And I have walked with the blessed
I have talked with the cursed
In the least, that's how the world views them
As beasts, cause only the wild could breed them
But please; God, is it?

I have a question-
More, but pro'lly one, two
Like how did we get here
Where every pip that feels the spirit
Wants to own a congregation?
Shouldn't the church be one body
Working in perfect harmony?
But that's not the case now
Each party is on a chase
For a earthly treasure chest
When did we become so shoddy
And made business out of ministry?
When did the word become salaula
That you only get to pick out what suits ya?

The church having branded itself
In a way the Christian should look like;
Move like
That is not closely Christ-like
Exuding a form of holiness
Yet distant from the holiest

DEAR Congregation,
Ever since I got baptized I've realized that it's hard to be chastised in Christ
I guess it's true in statement
That those who choose to follow Christ are more tempted
Than even when they were un-converted
And with the disconnectedness
I've experienced
In these past nights
I tapped out

Of whatever you'd started in me
'Cause I didn't understand what you were -
What you are building in me
What you are building me into
And I couldn't keep the fights due

I bunked out
Maybe there's some assurance somewhere that I haven't found out
Whatever it is I pray it comes out
To me before my time runs out...

Your, maybe
Smiley Thefir5t

© My Confessional Letters - Smiley Thefir5t
June 2018

Thursday, June 28, 2018
Topic(s) of this poem: christian,doubt
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