The day is done and it's time to sleep
With crowds of no one in my lonely room.
In my room while the silence grows deep,
Was there sun today or just rays of gloom.
(My soft mattress or my nightly tomb)
The bottle of time spilled sand on the shore,
Walking hand in hand when he was kind
And sharing footprints together in the sand,
Now all that was us is left behind.
(Now his falsehood is no longer confined)
My bed tonight is cold and lonely.
And my life no longer makes any sense.
The sadness storm has come and gone;
It has all spilled out without pretense.
(All he said was foolish nonsense)
As my day ends, all is a mystery.
How could I have missed all his schemes,
Those little hints, time after time.
Now I know he is not what he seems!
(Seems his goal was to hide in my dreams)
Tears on my pillow tell me the truth.
The life I once thought nice has been killed.
Is nothing of him in my heart left to feel,
Have all thoughts of him been chilled?
(When will my last tears be finally spilled?)
LORA AND DARLENE’S poem: Overall, I feel, as Diane Hine does, that Darlene’s response sounds more like a true echo of Lora’s poem. LORA’S poem: Please see what I wrote about LORA’s poem in the previous comment I made about LORA AND BRIAN’s poem! DARLENE’S poem: As I said above, this sounds more like what I would think an echo poem would sound like. BUT I prefer reading a combined-poem like Brian/Lora wrote which is more a response than a repetition. The problem is the loose definition of “echo poem” I think. Reading Darlene’s makes me feel more (than when I was reading Lora’s) that a woman is speaking about having “lost” a man. There is regret and sadness and negative feelings, and uncertainty over the future. I was torn between these two stanzas as my favorites: (both VERY nice) “As my day ends, all is a mystery. How could I have missed all his schemes, Those little hints, time after time. Now I know he is not what he seems! (Seems his goal was to hide in my dreams) ” AND: “Tears on my pillow tell me the truth. The life I once thought nice has been killed. Is nothing of him in my heart left to feel, Have all thoughts of him been chilled? (When will my last tears be finally spilled?) ” Some of the rest of the poem could use tweaking(refining) in my humble opinion, but very nice effort, Darlene! Good rhyming. I noticed D. used some of the same key words used by L., which lends more to the feeling of an echo for me. Both poems are negative in their content; Brian needs to work on you two! ! ! ! bri :) p.s. my lines spacing is not quite the way i want it in my comment, after pasting it from Microsoft Word (where i wrote the comment....to keep from losing it on PH!)
Darlene aka Darla, here is the comment i left (on Brian Johnston's site) for your poem and the poem it echoed (by Lora Coloon) . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - LORA AND DARLENE’S poem: Overall, I feel, as Diane Hine does, that Darlene’s response sounds more like a true echo of Lora’s poem. LORA’S poem: Please see what I wrote about LORA’s poem in the previous comment I made about LORA AND BRIAN’s poem! DARLENE’S poem: As I said above, this sounds more like what I would think an echo poem would sound like. BUT I prefer reading a combined-poem like Brian/Lora wrote which is more a response than a repetition. The problem is the loose definition of “echo poem” I think. Reading Darlene’s makes me feel more (than when I was reading Lora’s) that a woman is speaking about having “lost” a man. There is regret and sadness and negative feelings, and uncertainty over the future. I was torn between these two stanzas as my favorites: (both VERY nice) “As my day ends, all is a mystery. How could I have missed all his schemes, Those little hints, time after time. Now I know he is not what he seems! (Seems his goal was to hide in my dreams) ” AND: “Tears on my pillow tell me the truth. The life I once thought nice has been killed. Is nothing of him in my heart left to feel, Have all thoughts of him been chilled? (When will my last tears be finally spilled?) ” Some of the rest of the poem could use tweaking(refining) in my humble opinion, but very nice effort, Darlene! Good rhyming. I noticed D. used some of the same key words used by L., which lends more to the feeling of an echo for me. Both poems are negative in their content; Brian needs to work on you two! ! ! ! bri :) p.s. my lines spacing is not quite the way i want it in my comment, after pasting it from Microsoft Word (where i wrote the comment....to keep from losing it on PH!)
Beautiful poem. You should probably get into carl jung if you haven't already. Check out my poems as well
This poem has not been translated into any other language yet.
I would like to translate this poem
Beautiful poem with sweet flow and rhyming. There is sadness due to loss of love. Loved it. Thanks for sharing.