Who Is In Control? Poem by Daniel Brick

dear Daniel, your 'chant' is sharp and deep, and it would be perfectly told.. but you have chosen a 'haiku' form, then Kelly is right when he says that the last line has six syllables.. while haiku has no more than 5-7-5 'on' (fewer than 5-7-5 'our syllables') . If I may suggest, you could simply write (3rd line) : ''Seventy-thousand'' It would be a perfect Japanese 'way' to express the second idea/image (the death toll, as a 'result' of the bombing) in contraposition with the first (why the 'target' was chosen) . You could add a kiriej (just using a 'dash') to separate the two different 'ideas' / images.. [see below] This way, your haiku would respect the formal 5-7-5 structure, and also the 1st basic request (for being a true 'haiku') : a contraposition (between the 2 'images') able to surprise the reader.. A ''oh! '' - a subtle wonder.. [and regret/sadness, in this case.. - as ''traditional haiku'' avoid arousing heavy feelings, like 'horror', even if modern haiku can sometimes accept it..] Kokura obscured Nagasaki next on list - Seventy-thousand ___ P.S.: referring to Amitava's comment ('A lovely meaningful title - Who is in control') - Japanese haiku (the word is both singular and plural) , traditionally speaking, have no 'title'... ;)

A lovely meaningful title - Who is in control What strikes me to believe that If at all there exists any GOD, then witnessing all the massacres being happened all over during centuries, then I must believe that the DEVIL also exists and is in control like GOD.

My only criticism of this is that the last line has six syllables. But that is simply traditional Any number of variations are equally accepted, especially when the content is as poignant as this. (Perhaps-Tens of thousands dead ?) Peace