Apparent State Of Calm Poem by Mihaela Pirjol

In this apparent state of calm:
Inwards—like eaten by worms—alive!
There is no remedy to heal—no balm:
Although I try; although I strive.

Day by day, I am more consumed:
I tolerate the pain—till no pain;
The wrecks of yesterday, the doom,
I sense them now: —it is insane!

If once I knew myself, today I am lost;
A vague remembrance passes in mind:
Sometimes, I do believe I saw my ghost
Somewhere in a dream, I fail to find…

I do exist around; but actually, I do not:
I have neither eyes for beauty nor heart for love;
I do not shine; life is a distant dot;
With time I flow…far, far above.

Pride does not define my nature,
Yet, in isolation, there is a sort of it:
In loneliness a wounded heart to nurture,
And pride to take in it—reality to split.

Cruelty towards myself—a free choice I've made:
Through repetition, malicious tortures to endure;
Vulnerable and exposed my final state,
Till the essence of my spirit's purged and pure.

This state of calm became my disposition:
I wear it quietly—it fits my inner senses:
This apathy has no suspicion
That nothing enchants the senses!