Caught In A Bind Poem by Mike Smith

I can pretend it doesn't bother me
And quite well at that
Pretending hasn't ever been all that difficult for me
I have masks aplenty
I can plug them in as needed
And so to most it doesn't seem I'm bearing any discontent
But when there's no one around to wear masks for
Or when conversing with myself in the privacy of my own thought
I find it coming up more and more
- -The screen door at my house is rusting out and the handle doesn't latch correctly
The shutters (original from the 50's) are mangled from wind storms and being thrown off the house as if even it were disgusted by them
There are panels of siding which have wiggled loose and been improperly repositioned and fastened
The roof should have been re-shingled five years ago
There is eave missing from the mildewed facia
My garage door opener doesn't work right, when it works at all
The cinder block foundation of the garage is eroding to the point where I can see voles poke in and out of some of the larger holes
The cracks in the driveway are growing with each freeze and thaw
....All before you ever step foot inside
- -The laminate in the foyer is stained beyond cleaning
A few of the 20 year old pieces have cracked and come out of lock
From one side of the living room to the other, an expanse of 24 feet, there is a crack in the drywall seams of the ceiling
The green carpet purchased when I was in kindergarten has lost its stretch
The traffic patterns deeply worn in by now
The threshold beneath the door to the basement has been broken and discarded
The oven is abused
Not filthy at least, but rigged together so as not to spontaneously collapse
The ceiling fans shake as if trembling in fear for their lives
The wiring is faulty
Lifetime guaranteed light bulbs typically last six months
I doubt significantly that there is an ounce of insulation in the entire house
Every single window
Every single door
Every single faucet
Cabinet
And countertop
Needs replaced
The showers in the upstairs and downstairs bathrooms are far far older than I, and it shows
The bedrooms, all but mine, need new drywall and floors
There is a hole in the wall on the way up the stairs exactly the size of an elbow
The basement shows signs of water
The floor drain in the utility room backs up every couple of years
There are ceiling tile missing in the bathroom downstairs exposing the post-WWII plumbing practices which are two worlds away from the code regulations of nowadays
..... I suppose I could go on
But I'll spare you

I'm a builder
And a good one at that
I've built a house from the ground up
I've remodeled kitchens, bathrooms, living rooms, bedrooms; you name it
I've installed windows
Installed doors
Laid floors
Put up new walls
Hung the Sheetrock and painted over the mud
I've installed cabinets
Set countertops
Changed out water heaters
Run new water and sewer lines for several buildings
I've run at least a quarter mile of electric wire to various fixtures, outlets, switches, and appliances
I've trimmed out houses with utmost precision using boards that I stained and finished myself by hand
I've put in new sinks, new faucets, new lock sets, new garage doors
I've poured driveways
Shingled roofs
Replaced siding
Snaked floor drains
Insulated walls and attics
Hung gutters
Shored up chimneys
Replaced soffit and facia
I KNOW HOW TO FIX ALL OF IT!
That's not me being egotistical
This is what I do for a living
This is how I make my ends meet
If I couldn't do all these things I couldn't be employed for my boss at our company
Yet I come home to a sorry excuse for a building, let alone residence
WHY! ?
I convince myself it is for different reasons
Appease myself even if for however briefly
'It's to save money' I'll say
False
I can get an apartment for a little more than half what I pay here
'It's because I'm happy here'
False.... See above
'It's on account of nostalgia'
False
Yes I grew up in this house, but not so entirely pleasantly that I want to stay here 'till I croak
'There's nothing available locally as an alternative housing'
False
There are dozens upon dozens of properties for sale or rent in my town and those surrounding it
'If you dont' stay here, she'll have no place to go'
.... Probably closest to the truth
Inside a year, two tops, the loan would default and my mom would lose the house
The loan already out stands the value
And the cost to fix it up is (in my estimation using my labor and not hiring out anything) about two years worth of my wages

What would you do?