From the Desk of Pope Francis
March,2014
To whom it may concern:
I understand many Catholics are shocked and outraged by my recent revelation.
Yes, it's true- -when I was a young priest back in Argentina, I reached into an open casket and pried the rosary from a fellow priest's cold, lifeless hand. Listen, I know that sounds bad, but in my defense, I only had to use a LITTLE force; it's not like he had it in a death-grip, or anything.
Look, I'm a human being, no different than you. I put on my robe one sleeve at a time- -just like everyone else (unless I'm in a hurry) . It's important that folks don't put me on a pedestal. I want to be seen as a regular Joe. You didn't see Jesus going around acting all high and mighty and dammit, I won't either!
Okay, stealing the rosary was bad, I'll admit, but Hell, I've done a lot worse. I've swiped all sorts of stuff: jewel-encrusted chalices, candlesticks- -I've even stolen a few cars!
Man, it feels good to get this off my chest! I probably should've confessed all this to someone YEARS ago! Let's see… what else? Oh yeah- -I pushed an old lady down and snatched her purse two days after completing Divinity School. Don't be alarmed! She wasn't hurt. And I barely got away with enough for a six-pack of Michelob and a tin of cigarettes. A pretty measly haul, I think you'll agree!
Things improved for me a bit later. I realized I could sew enormous, hidden pockets inside my frock, enabling me to pilfer just about anything I wanted. I once used this method to conceal ten cassette tapes, a bong, and a rolled-up poster of Jimi Hendrix- -I strolled right out of Spencer's Gifts- -no one noticed a damn thing!
Look, I don't have to steal anymore- -I finally have enough. Please don't worry about any of the Vatican treasures by which I find myself surrounded. I'm not even tempted… Besides, half this stuff could go missing tomorrow and I doubt any one would even notice…
Signed,
Pope Francis
(for life, chumps)
i had small laughs in a few (2?) places, but a big laugh near the end of Souren's comment. btw, the latest rumor is that he is in fact a woman in drag! wonder of wonders. and to be sure of my use of in drag, i checked Google and it can mean a man dressed as woman or vice versa. bri ;) to MyPoemList
Woah ho ho funny fun to read. A pilfering pope makes for fine fun fictional bantering of popes. Had me giggling. Pls do review my latest poem too.
Very funny and it reminds us that although impeccable under Catholic law, he is in fact simply a man. Reminds me a bit of the one I wrote about Trump a few days ago. Humorous and artfully done. Thanks for sharing Brian
I believe the word I was searching for in the first sentence is 'infallible' instead of impeccable. Changes the meaning a bit
Just a man. Would be nice if he sold the Vatican collections to museums and gave the money to the needy
Oh but now it's all Robin Hood in reverse: stealing from the poor and giving to the rich!
This poem has not been translated into any other language yet.
I would like to translate this poem
hilarious again! is Francis still in office? now this goes into August 2017's showcase on my site. will i be excommunicated for doing so? ? oh, yeah, i forgot. i've never been Catholic. bri :) Thanks did he REALLY swipe a rosary? how about the mugging? we'll never knooooooowww.