My Fight With Depression
Filling your head with all these lies.
If changing your life could be only that easy.
In this world I won't compromise.
When I say I don't believe in suicide, it doesn't mean there aren't days where all I wish to do is end my life.
Depression in full swing.
And I don't even know even why.
Especially with everything that's going so right.
It makes no sense.
I should be so god damn happy.
Seething with words and actions of motivation.
But nothing seems to satisfy or quell the urge to put out this tiny spark.
I am so lonely no matter how many friends I have.
No matter how close they are.
I don't ever feel the love they try to share on a daily basis.
It's like I'm numb to everyones emotions.
So I try to focus on keeping busy in any way possible just to keep the thoughts at Bay.
I know now that I'm sick.
It's not normal to feel down, so angry all the god damn time.
In the good and bad.
Through it all.
The question is what would I leave behind in my wake.
Trying so hard to just not to think.
Working 70 to 80 hrs a week.
Between a full-time job, odd jobs, and fixing up my place.
Give just one more distraction.
And when I finally stop running from it, it becomes so overwhelming. Easily irritated, easily aggravated, suddenly going off deep end on someone for no good reason,
self loathing, the cycle ever repeating and I don't want to be this way.
I want to be in a happy place, but it doesn't seem to exist.
Mood swings to the extreme.
I'm always searching for that calm, and quiet.
I feel like disgrace, not being able to admit I have a problem.
Not able accept I might need drugs to live a normal life that doesn't feel like I'm on the constant edge of a knife.
So I keep going, keep ignoring, those thoughts that hound me to the end of every single day.
And I pray they will just go away, knowing they won't.
Eating burnt toast and acting like you like it.
Smiling when you should be crying.
Laughing at the most inappropriate moments just trying to fit in.
Hoping it's doesn't show, Hoping no one knows.
Pushing myself to appear highly motivated.
When all I want to do is crawl in the deepest darkest hole and go to sleep for the rest of my life.
In the end I wonder which side of me will win.
The illusion, or the secret hidden within.
And this fight it feels like will never end.
Wednesday, February 24, 2021