Never Ever Frighten The Meal & Other Various Facts(For Lyn) Poem by Dónall Dempsey

NEVER EVER FRIGHTEN THE MEAL

I amuse her
with ordinary facts

such as
say when you blush yes...?

the lining of your stomach
becomes redder

and when you pale
your stomach lining
becomes white

or ha ha
in order to have blue blood

you would have to be how you say
...being strangled

or be
a lobster

or that

shock causes
your blood
to go all sticky

and that’s
when I bit her

sucked her
delicious laughing blood!

Even us
vampires

don’t like
(yuck)
sticky blood!

* * *

NEITHER HAIR NOR DARE

As a rule
red headed people
have about
90,000 hairs
in their scalp.

Yup…go on...count ‘em!
See if I’m lying!

89,999...
See, I was right…wasn’t I?

Brunettes…’bout
100,000

and blondes
(natural of course)

about as many as
150,000.

Bald headed people
have none that can be seen.

But no matter what
or how many or
what colour

I love
every hair

on your
head.


* * *

LOUD...& CLEAR

“Ah...aw...eh...ee...oo! ”
(so you say)

as we make love.

It’s funny
how you happen to hit upon

the sounds which...carry best
and are by far

the easiest for the human ear to hear

and how
once again


you are coming


through..loud...& clear.


* * *


JUMPIN’...LIKE A CATFISH...ON A POLE.

I love
that little muscle

in the region
of your nose & upper lip

the watchyamacallit
(oh yes)

your leaftor labii superioris aloequae nasi.

I love it
when it

it...twitches

God! It’s so cute!

(thinks it’s Elvis)

when we...when we

make love.

* * *

BURNING UP ENERGY

You need about
I calorie of energy
to read 650 words.

I write your name
650 times

and read it back to myself
(getting lost in the calligraphy)

entangled in the loops and coils of you
(your crossed T’s...your dotted I’s)

endlessly
just

burning up
energy.

* * *

YOUR NEW NUDITY

Every 27 days

courtesy of washing or
just the rubbing of our clothes

we all get
a complete new
outer skin.

May I say
Your new skin
(which has arrived today)

really compliments
your nudity


* * *


IS IT YOURSELF THAT’S IN IT?

Your tongue print
(so I am told)

is as unique as
(yes Monique)

your fingerprint.

Well, fancy that!

All night
(all night)

I take your tongue print
just to make sure

You are
who you say
you are.

All done of course
(tongue in cheek) .

One can never be...too sure
that say

your evil twin
isn’t impersonating you

in order to have her wicked way with me

while you bound & gagged& chloroformed in the broom cupboard
(and found only the next day by the French maid...eh...eh?)

Hold on...one big sloppy kiss should do it!


Yeah, that’s
you alright!

* * *

I NEVER THINK I LOVE YOU

Scientists have estimated
that the speed of thought is

only about 240 km/h.

I somehow thought

it would be

more instantaneous than that.

Whereas a sneeze
is as fast as 160 km/h

the speed say
...of a hurricane.

That is why I never think
I love you

I just
do...it!

It’s a whole lot
quicker &

more fun.

* * *

WHAT’S SLEEP?

New born babies
cry

133 minutes
each day

there or thereabouts.

Our little sweetie
is trying to get a whole months worth

into just
one day.

What’s...sleep?

* * *

I DON’T KNOW

Chinese & Japanese
babies

are born with
blue marks
on their bottoms

which disappear
as they get older.

Why so?

I don’t know.


* * *

WHEN IT COMES TO EITHER…I’LL HAVE NEITHER.

You use
17 muscles
to smile
43 to frown.

200,000 frowns
make one wrinkle.

I try to stay young
by engaging in

neither
emotion.

* * *

THE MYTH OF MY REALITY

Britons
(you know
that noble lot who never ever
shall be slaves)

are losing
the plot

between fact
& fiction

with more than
half believing

that Sherlock Holmes
was a real live bloke

& that
(1(!) in 3)
think that
Charles Dickens

was a fictional character.

One in 4
think that

(“This is not the beginning of the end.
rather, it is the end of the beginning.”)

Winston Churchill
was a myth.

Gandhi, Cleo & Richard the Lionheart


also emerge
as mere fiction.

A survey
(like this)

tickles
raises smiles.

Proves that
History is
a fickle mistress

and that those that
go down in it

still only
pass through it

even if
they make it.

I myself
believe I am

only a fictional construct

a devilish plan
drawn up

by God
...knows who?

And that if I cease

writing this

then I

will cease

to

ex...!


* * *

I was preparing a lesson about the body and digging up curious facts...these are the ones that caught my interest. A friend of mine asked if I could turn the kernal of each fact into a poem...so after an hour's thought...here's what emerged. Forgive...for I know not what I do. Be brave...some don't deserve their existence but there's the odd one or two that do! See if you can spot those that don't and I will take them out and excute them at once.