Please, Just Hold On... (Do Whatever It Takes To Cure These Midnight Shakes) - Poem by Zach Stahle
I love you babydoll. I'll shut up now haha. I need to tell you something else important though, *Deep Breath*... It turns out my father changed my medications without my knowledge and I wasn't aware. Apparently I'm on my old medication... which is at least ten times as more potent, and he accidentally gave me more than a safe dosage... this explains my inability to be quiet, anxiety, constant nicotine cravings, irritability, erratic mood-swings, raised heart rate and high blood pressure. On top of all of what was going on the other day, I guess this pretty much makes some sense. I had a nervous breakdown because I came so close to an accidental overdose on an amphetamine, while detoxing and suffering withdraw from substances that slow the body's processes. In my head, when I was breaking down, it felt like... (and still feels like to some extent...but I'm progressively showing improvement. Obviously I can't shut up...) like there is some sort of evil, highly caffeinated, trouble-making, leprechaun pulled a fire alarm, pressed a 'PANIC' button, threw a hand grenade, and is punching the inside of my skull in an attempt to break free and he won't stop until the wall cracks and he can move out, along with every single one of his large, heavy bags of luggage. I'm really starting to annoy myself, and everyone else, no doubt about it. I haven't lost my mind, I promise you, my love... I will be normal someday soon. My body just needs to rid itself of these toxins. I've finally found the courage, and dignity to stop putting them into it, so all that is left to be cleaned is from the last time I made that horrible choice. It's so painful... both emotionally, as well as physically, but it will all be over soon. I just hope you don't hate me while this is going on... I know that until I am going to be strong and completely sober again, without this pain that I have regrettably brought upon us, and sadly, we must endure for a time, there will be no more failure to slip into the vices of drug use once more. You can rest assured, my love. I swear this to you. I will not let you down... But... I need you to promise me something as well, if you would... Please promise me that you won't give up on me. I know this will take time, and it will be painful, there is no doubt about that in my mind, but I cannot do this alone, my darling... You are my everything- my all. You and your love is the only thing I need in this life. I need you by my side, with your hand in mine, so we may face this head on... Honestly... I must confess that if it weren't for you... I may have not survived these last few months... You truly are an angel. Hell... Kristen, you are so much more than just that in my eyes... you saved the life of a pathetic, young boy, who did not care whether or not he lived or died, and he truly believed in his heart that everybody felt the same things about him, and that they did not care. You have proven me wrong, and I've never felt so happy to have that happen in all my life. You're a hero among angels.
I love you so very much, Kristen.
My hands REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY ache now after typing all of that up. I would seriously not use spell-check for some unknown reason. I felt the need to proofread, edit, and revise every sentence and organize my grammar until I felt completely satisfied with it. and now that I'm done, I can't even remember what I was talking about in the beginning of all of that. UGH... Sorry for being a pest. I love you. I'm going to get some rest. You can message me back whenever you want, but it's no rush if you're already busy, but I would love to hear from you. My parents are actually allowing me to take the rest of this weekend to rest and recover a bit... So, I'll be here, and I'll be able to talk or text on my mom's phone if you call or text her by any chance, just ask her if I may borrow her phone so we can talk for a little while. I don't know... Something about you just makes me feel slightly less worried about everything... Your sweet smile is so heartwarming, and your soft beautiful voice is so soothing to me... No matter how irrationally terrified I may be, no matter how harshly my tense, aching body shakes... the wonderful memories we have shared in the recent past, with more hopefully yet to come in years from now... And the very thought of you holding me still, your hand simply in mine or rubbing my back calms me like nothing I have ever felt before... It's like you are truly right here, holding me still, healing me... I love you. I'm gonna go for now, but I need to lie down for a bit. I'll be dreaming of you.
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