Realisation Poem by Jo Elliott


I wish I knew why I felt this way,
why I want to hear all the lies you say.
Why I feel the only way my heart will mend
is by having you in my life,
even as a friend.

I tell you the negative though to keep you at bay
so it doesn't seem that you get your own way.

You tell such lies,
it's not all me,
I just hope that one day I will be free
of this invisible hold
because of how I feel
and each day my eyes will open
to the world that is real.

I no longer want to drag myself down,
I want to smile at the world
not cry and frown.

It hurts so much on the days that are hard
knowing how easy it was for you to discard
all memories of me and go to pastures new,
it was a third of a few.

I have to face the fact that this will never be
and get strong enough to allow myself to be free,
realise that it's me that is still holding on
because I don't want to believe that it's really all gone.

I try desperately to see all of your flaws,
all the while,
I'm clutching at straws.

I have to tell myself that there's many more
people out there
waiting to love and adore,
that I am worthy of someone to show they love me
and that there is someone out there
happy with I can be.

Yet as long as I hold my candle for you
how can I allow their love to shine through?

I'm making good progress each day that arrives,
with each positive moment
my well being thrives.

There are many knocks,
I have to deal with these,
'til I can bring out the girl
who is so easy to please.

I can get my life back on track then
and maybe one day
learn to trust again.

Thank you for reading 💖

This one shows the journey of knowing. It was like an acknowledgement of what I know and this is how I feel about it and the affect it has on me. The realisation was not just the realisation of the behaviour; it was also every aspect of this poem. I grew to understand that it was all or nothing, never a happy medium, then I realised I had to keep you away in order for some kind of sanity within my life in order to preserve my own healing journey. I realised I was wearing some kind of rose coloured spectacles about how what I felt should have given me the right to some spectacular relationship and that was the hold I had over myself and as long as I held on to the fantasy I was allowing myself to stay where I was, not rises as myself and move on. I gradually began to acknowledge that I needed strength to do this and I had to make myself see the bad which is so hard when you love someone. I told myself that there were plenty more fish in the sea, I dipped my toe in and it seemed I was destined for a time to only be attracted to people who only considered themselves in a relationship. Yet, again, I acknowledge that I know I still have feelings for you so I am not giving anyone else a chance and quite possibly why I am choosing inconsiderate people to date. I realise I am on a journey where there are knocks and bumps and although I am still in the same boat, paddling the same stream, I'm stronger and this time I am holding the oars. I longed to trust again even though I gave my trust and had it shattered, it didn't stop me, I grew to understand that trust was given and broken and it is the person who is trusted, individually, who decides what they do with it.
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