Spelling Is Compelling? - Poem by David Mitchell
I turn the television on
And what abysmal hell
Pollutes the screen? What could it be
But Eamonn Holmes' Hard Spell?
It can't be fair, it seems to me,
When A must spell 'laparoscopy'
(Does such a word even exist?)
And B must spell 'balloon'.
How can you take two words like that,
And say they're equally hard,
And thus make one a winner,
And the other fate ill-starr'd?
From whence do they obtain these words,
And who are they to tell us how
To spell the words that float
In the ethereal vap'rous air,
When they canna deveese a fair
Set o' gemme ruiles at a'?
I do suspect they make them up,
Pretending they exist –
I'm not aware that 'na''s a rod,
But it's probably on their list
Of words they think are hard to spell,
Like 'apple' and 'breakwater',
'Effacement' and 'stepdaughter'.
And then of course that woman
Who can't speak a single word
Derstuncly – no, DERSTUNCTLY;
For the CONSONANTS are heard.
Who would have thought orthography
Could really be compelling –
Who would have thought that aught could be
Excitinger than spelling?
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