Mariah Wilkinson

Rookie (October 23 / Victoria BC)

Trilogy Of Selfish Thoughts - Poem by Mariah Wilkinson

Truth is
The trust
Your best friend gives you
In telling you who
She really loves
A complicated situation
To be sure
If only “she” knew
That she was the object
Of affection
Of a different kind
I want them to be together
I want them to be happy
As a couple
My two best friends
One is completely smitten
I know this for sure
We talk of it for hours
Every day
The other we cannot tell

If she is interested
Or even if she could be
But I want to know
It will come in time
The revelation
Of the unkeepable secret
And things will change
For better or for worse
For desire or awkwardness
It’s been promised to me
“We’ll always be a tricycle”
I wonder sometimes
In my selfish way
Were they together
Would I still see them?
Would it be awkward?
Would they still care for me
As they do now?
Or would their love
Consume entirely
And leave me
With nothing?

I had always been
The special one
The only girl among us
Who could claim
Any kind of relationship with
Or even desire for
Another of our sex
I feel a pressing guilt
That I am almost offended
In not being the blue one
Happy as I would be for them
The ratio was perfect
1 in 4
And now it’s 2
And hopefully 3
But I so enjoyed
To be the only one
Who has tasted
So-called forbidden fruit
Their chastity
Seems a barrier
Though one which
I am sure
They together
Will break in time
Until then
A hug
A kiss
A loving glance
And I feel alone
Though I have these things
For myself
From my own love
I fear not being a tricycle
But a lone training wheel
On Lance Armstrong’s racing bike
And useless

A friendship
To be cemented in love
A beautiful truth
To perpetuate
What innocence represents

The other friend
Unsure of the outcome
Knows she will still
Be included
Always the tricycle
The force
That united the others
Into what they are
And are soon to become
I’ll be abandoned
We’ll still love you!
Not as much
But we will!
You won’t care. You’ll have each other for everything

You balance us out! We need the extrovert.
No you won’t. You’re perfect together.

You don’t need me anymore
So I won’t bother you
I’ll go my own way
Don’t forget to write
As Blue October said,
“Hate Me”
“Hate me for all the things I [couldn’t] do for you”
Whatever you end up as
I beg of you to remember
That I will always love both of you
My best friends

III.Out of jealousy, I felt the hurt
The pain I could not express
For the ones I speak to of such things
Either do not care or cannot be told
Tense air, my disappointment and doubt
Wrestling with my happiness
To take control
Happiness is winning
For now.
At least in front of her
Laundry soap and ‘something else’
The scent that sends her
Reeling with daydreams and desire
No strangers among us,
But the best of friends
Pledged to be a tricycle for eternity
Though I still wonder
I didn’t tell her, as much
As I long to see her reaction
That is not for me to decide.
This isn’t about me anymore
If it ever was
I swore by life itself
I would not break
There would be but silence
From my lips
Until she decides to take
The flying leap that will
Change everything
I don’t want to feel
The hurt again
It is unreasonable
And undeserved.
As much, though, as I protest
I know, as always,
That it will return
I cry for the possibility
Of losing two people
Who I would gladly
Take a bullet for
Or anything else
To protect them.
Not only for their absence
Do I weep
But for that it is
Into each other
That they retreat
No longer will I be
The first to help celebrate good news
Or help comfort after bad
I detach because
I know it will be better this way
It is better to go out
In flames of blazing glory
Than to slowly fade
Like records and 8-track tapes
Into obsoletion
A novelty of nostalgia
Nothing more
Than something to remember
Of ‘back in the day’
When we were unstoppable
As the three of us
Before we needed
Anything more
Before they fell in love.

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Poem Submitted: Wednesday, May 12, 2010

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