Writing Myself Open I Poem by Nomfundo Mtsweni

I'm going through it all over again
Its like it was just yesterday when he forced his way in and teared me apart...
From enjoying my early adulthood without constantly having to rub on my bleeding scars...
A reminder of how much of a survivor I'm...
Not my abusers victim
I'm a lil sad girl who longs for love seeking it in the most horrible places man...
Who are hungry for what's in-between my legs
Hurting the one who was gentle with me at first
For the one's who just wants to quench their thirst
I was too naive to have went there in the first place
I'm not the third to cry about daddy issues
That ship has long sailed
Leaving me with emptiness
This hole that's inside
Left unfilled
A void that created an echo that kept my screams from decades ago tormenting me
I'm guilty for saying such
When I've had a father
Whose above everything
That can do anything
And has been there for me
With his unfailing love
That kept me going until this far
I don't know the struggle of lacking
What I need
Even when I tripped I never fell
For the lies, I was always half in and half out
Even for my own self
I think I might have had loved me a little less
To settle for being second best
In everything
I believed in myself less
To think I can make it out unparalyzed
I'm writing myself open
To my younger self
It wasn't your fault
They hurt you
I disappointed you
I couldn't stand up for you
I was too desperate to be loved and noticed
I pushed you back and only realize now
I hurt the only one who was truly there and not leaving,
Living for what others had to offer instead of offering you everything
You're not at fault I should have fought for you
I waisted time searching everywhere but inside
In this loneliness I found you buried within almost lifeless
Self rejection suffocating you
I'm nursing you back to life
With caution and love
Ready to live for you

Nomfundo Mtsweni