Michael Shepherd

Rookie (8.4.1929 / Marton, Lancashire)

0126 A Longstanding Question - Poem by Michael Shepherd

It’s rather a delicate personal matter…
I could of course say I’m just asking for a friend…
but I guess You’d see through that, from what I hear…

I wouldn’t trouble You, but
it’s not a question that concerned Adam
since he had no comparative physiology
any more than he had comparative theology…
so it didn’t matter a figleaf to him…

and Moses had the bigger picture in mind, and in his position
had to keep up with the Tablets
to use a medical term which
we might refer to later…

as for Jesus, well it didn’t affect him personally, of course,
even as Son of Man,
unless of course the Da Vinci Code is true
but I’d rather not pursue such maudlin thoughts
with You…

and the new Pope hasn’t yet pronounced on this
though I can guess he won’t be keen
even if he’s slept on it;
anatomically, at least…

it’s like this:
I get an awful lot of emails from complete strangers
who seem to know my wife’s mind better than I
suggesting that, well, she’d be happier if,
you know, my *thing* were longer
(and presumably thicker, though
they make less of this…as if that’s slightly indecent…)

and then, they go on to say that my wife
(who likes her eight hours, and
I have to leave early for work)
would be even happier if
I took certain tablets…

even insidiously suggesting that
if I don’t keep up with the Joneses in this
I might lose her to Mr Jones…
I guess they haven’t met my wife, or Mr Jones,
as I was saying to Mrs Jones only the other evening:

Now as the Creator of men, who seems to have handed out
a pretty wide variety of these anatomical details, rather
than, as we might expect, a Standard Size (and I don’t like to
question Your authority, but
it has led to some heated thinking and emoting; perhaps there are
other factors of justice, destiny, etc., involved here?)

and as Creator too, of eternal laws at all levels, which means
that science can only make these things with
Your – indirect, of course – consent, and
human ingenuity (not that I’m trying to throw
the blame back onto You…)

but as there are, as Donald Rumsfeld says,
things we don’t know we don’t know
like side-effects we haven’t dreamed of, which –
well I won’t say, tear apart the fabric of society
as that's a bit of a cliché, but You must know what I’m getting at…

or can this be some giant step for Mankind,
in the providential, ongoing plan, the Intelligent Design,
of (Your) evolution of species?

I hope You see my problem (well, it wasn’t a problem before, and
Mrs Smith has no complaints, at least not yet, she doesn’t
read the emails) , so I’d be grateful for a brief response to my
longstanding …(excuse my little joke) ... question?

A postcard or equivalent would do; I wouldn’t like
to inadvertently spamtrash Your email. Or a quiet word in the ear
during prayer. But not the confessional box route please; I don’t think
this problem has arisen for my local priest yet.

Your humble servant,

J.Smith (retd.)

Comments about 0126 A Longstanding Question by Michael Shepherd

  • (5/5/2006 8:04:00 AM)

    Mr Smith seems to be on very friendly terms with God :) I laughed at the thought of a Russian Orthodox addressing the same question to God. A really funny one. Thank you! Julia (Report) Reply

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  • (2/17/2006 7:55:00 AM)

    You've made my morning; thank you! ... (Report) Reply

  • (11/4/2005 5:35:00 AM)

    i get some of those kinds of email, and im female, thankyou for say what we all think. (Report) Reply

  • (11/3/2005 4:57:00 AM)

    Michael, don't you realise how busy god is? tut tut, next time send a text. GODs PA...Tai *Wink* definitely winking! lol 9 from me (Report) Reply

  • (10/30/2005 5:15:00 AM)

    well, that was a lengthy one but very funny, in fact i am still laughing. but is he really called smith or john thomas? And has God answered yet? (Report) Reply

  • (10/23/2005 2:44:00 AM)

    this poem put a huge smile on my sunday-morning-tired-face!

    thank you!

    (Report) Reply

  • Egal Bohen (10/22/2005 1:59:00 PM)

    Very Good! And a lot of work.Are you sure he is called Smith? , I just wondered if his name might have been John Thomas?
    Egal Bohen..
    (Report) Reply

  • Lucy Burrow (10/22/2005 11:41:00 AM)

    Excellent, funny, well thought out and a great read, well done!
    (Report) Reply

  • (10/22/2005 11:40:00 AM)

    This is so well written and so funny. I know I am going to enjoy Poemhunter.

    (Report) Reply

  • (10/22/2005 11:20:00 AM)

    I am still laughing, Michael. Can't wait to read this to my husband. You have too many clever lines to count, and what a great conversation with god. Moses and his tablets (were they blue?) and 'longstanding' (?) too much! I hope you don't lose your wife to Mr. Jones for a very 'long time'.

    (Report) Reply

  • (10/22/2005 11:14:00 AM)

    Great Write. Very witty I must say. (Report) Reply

  • (10/22/2005 8:27:00 AM)

    You know what god would say if she were a woman, don't you? It's your tongue that counts. (double entendre there, btw.) (Report) Reply

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Poem Submitted: Saturday, October 22, 2005

Poem Edited: Saturday, May 29, 2010

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