Randy Johnson

800 Pounds - Poem by Randy Johnson

Two years ago I ruined my life when I got a bride.
She's 6'4' tall and about ten feet wide.
She weighs 800 pounds and I married her when I was drunk.
She eats and eats and my bank account has significantly shrunk.
She rolled over on me in bed and broke fifteen of my bones.
I wish she'd pack her bags and leave me on my own.
She's mean, she has warts on her face and it's tearing me apart.
When we go out in public, she always farts.
When she passes gas, it's louder than TNT and it really stinks.
I should've listened to my parents when they told me never to drink.
She asked if she's as sexy as Lindsay Lohan and I said hell no.
If she ever gets pregnant, you won't be able to tell that she shows.
She never shaves her legs and there is a lot of hair.
It's like making love to a bear.
I drive my car really fast and I hope to die in a crash.
I learned to live with her until she grew a mustache.

Comments about 800 Pounds by Randy Johnson

  • Jasbir Chatterjee (8/8/2015 6:58:00 AM)

    Lovely poem! You made my day. It made me chuckle. Thanks for sharing. (Report)Reply

    0 person liked.
    0 person did not like.
  • Ramesh T A (8/8/2015 3:50:00 AM)

    Marriage with a most awkward woman is wonderfully depicted in this poem as warning to many who are deceived by some means or other in life! (Report)Reply

    0 person liked.
    1 person did not like.
  • (7/13/2008 9:39:00 PM)

    Can I just say that you are the funniest poet with the funniest poems I have ever read? Nicely done.

    <3 Payton

    0 person liked.
    2 person did not like.
  • (10/11/2006 7:35:00 AM)

    Are you sure she's not a walrus? Does she float?

    A ten for giving me a hearty laugh, Randy.

    Love, Fran xx

    0 person liked.
    2 person did not like.
  • (10/11/2006 7:35:00 AM)

    Sounds like you got a whole lotta Rosie!

    0 person liked.
    2 person did not like.
Read all 5 comments »

Read this poem in other languages

This poem has not been translated into any other language yet.

I would like to translate this poem »

word flags

What do you think this poem is about?

Poem Submitted: Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Poem Edited: Friday, October 15, 2010

Famous Poems

  1. Still I Rise
    Maya Angelou
  2. The Road Not Taken
    Robert Frost
  3. If You Forget Me
    Pablo Neruda
  4. Dreams
    Langston Hughes
  5. Annabel Lee
    Edgar Allan Poe
  6. If
    Rudyard Kipling
  7. Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening
    Robert Frost
  8. Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep
    Mary Elizabeth Frye
  9. I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You
    Pablo Neruda
  10. Television
    Roald Dahl
[Report Error]