Randy Johnson

800 Pounds

Two years ago I ruined my life when I got a bride.
She's 6'4' tall and about ten feet wide.
She weighs 800 pounds and I married her when I was drunk.
She eats and eats and my bank account has significantly shrunk.
She rolled over on me in bed and broke fifteen of my bones.
I wish she'd pack her bags and leave me on my own.
She's mean, she has warts on her face and it's tearing me apart.
When we go out in public, she always farts.
When she passes gas, it's louder than TNT and it really stinks.
I should've listened to my parents when they told me never to drink.
She asked if she's as sexy as Lindsay Lohan and I said hell no.
If she ever gets pregnant, you won't be able to tell that she shows.
She never shaves her legs and there is a lot of hair.
It's like making love to a bear.
I drive my car really fast and I hope to die in a crash.
I learned to live with her until she grew a mustache.

Poem Submitted: Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Poem Edited: Friday, October 15, 2010

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Comments about 800 Pounds by Randy Johnson

  • Jasbir ChatterjeeJasbir Chatterjee (8/8/2015 6:58:00 AM)

    Lovely poem! You made my day. It made me chuckle. Thanks for sharing.

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  • Ramesh T ARamesh T A (8/8/2015 3:50:00 AM)

    Marriage with a most awkward woman is wonderfully depicted in this poem as warning to many who are deceived by some means or other in life!

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  • ~*~(\ /) ~*~Payyton: DrowningSorrow~*~(\ /) ~*~ (7/13/2008 9:39:00 PM)

    Can I just say that you are the funniest poet with the funniest poems I have ever read? Nicely done.

    <3 Payton

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  • Francesca Johnson (10/11/2006 7:35:00 AM)

    Are you sure she's not a walrus? Does she float?

    A ten for giving me a hearty laugh, Randy.

    Love, Fran xx

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  • Danny Reynolds (10/11/2006 7:35:00 AM)

    Sounds like you got a whole lotta Rosie!

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