Randy Johnson

Randy Johnson Poems

Two years ago I ruined my life when I got a bride.
She's 6'4' tall and about ten feet wide.
...

I met Pamela Anderson and we went on a date.
She was very becoming and everything went great.
It was an honor to date this star.
I made her forget about Tommy Lee and it wasn't hard.
...

Last Christmas I went to Wal-mart to buy the last XBOX 360 they had.
But a man grabbed it as I reached for it and that made me mad.
...

You've been dead for the same amount of time that you lived, forty-two years.
You were loved and your death devastated each and every one of your peers.
You didn't perform in all fifty states, one state that you missed was Montana.
You performed your last concert on June 26,1977 in the state of Indiana.
...

You got my sister pregnant and refused to take responsibility.
You told her it's her problem and now you have to deal with me.
...

When I was seven, I had 100 dogs and that was too many.
My dad would cuss while my mama spanked my fanny.
...

All day long I've had bad luck.
This morning I got on an elevator and it got stuck.
I had a panic attack and thought I was going to die.
I asked a man to put out his cigarette and he stuck it in my eye.
...

(This is a fictional poem)

I soar through the air as I shoot webs from my hands.
When people see me, they say there goes Spider-man.
...

I built a living creature with every body part that I could find.
I had no idea that I was giving him a psychopathic mind.
He has a flat head, green skin and bolts in his neck.
He escaped from my lab and he's on a violent trek.
...

11.

I'm hungry so I ordered fries and a burger.
I'm pouring ketchup on my fries and my coffee needs sugar.
This burger is delicious, I can't believe how good it tastes.
I'm gobbling it down, It will not go to waste.
...

My cousin is as dumb as he can be.
His IQ score is only twenty-three.
...

My cousin was always broke.
He'd get free meals at restaurants by pretending to choke.
...

One day a man came to my house with a seed.
I decided to buy it because of my greed.
...

When the Lone Ranger has his finger on his gun's trigger, he constantly has to pull it.
When the moon is full, he hunts and kills werewolves, that's why he uses silver bullets.
He also uses silver bullets to stop outlaws from committing crimes.
But he uses those bullets to kill werewolves the majority of the time.
...

16.

It's 4 A.M. and I haven't had any sleep all night.
My wife and I had a big fight.
...

It's Christmas and my name Ebenezer Scrooge.
I've been through a transformation that was huge.
When it came to people, I was selfish and mean.
I was so selfish that I lost the girl of my dreams.
...

You were arrested and put in jail.
After you got out, people started giving you hell.
...

19.

He's Batman but his true identity is Bruce Wayne.
Some people think he's a hero while others think he's insane.
He protects Gotham City from people who are a disgrace.
He protects them from the Joker, the Penguin and even from Two-Face.
...

I got mugged and I was beaten, stabbed and left to die.
I couldn't get any help from the people who walked by.
...

The Best Poem Of Randy Johnson

800 Pounds

Two years ago I ruined my life when I got a bride.
She's 6'4' tall and about ten feet wide.
She weighs 800 pounds and I married her when I was drunk.
She eats and eats and my bank account has significantly shrunk.
She rolled over on me in bed and broke fifteen of my bones.
I wish she'd pack her bags and leave me on my own.
She's mean, she has warts on her face and it's tearing me apart.
When we go out in public, she always farts.
When she passes gas, it's louder than TNT and it really stinks.
I should've listened to my parents when they told me never to drink.
She asked if she's as sexy as Lindsay Lohan and I said hell no.
If she ever gets pregnant, you won't be able to tell that she shows.
She never shaves her legs and there is a lot of hair.
It's like making love to a bear.
I drive my car really fast and I hope to die in a crash.
I learned to live with her until she grew a mustache.

Randy Johnson Comments

Tyease Collins 29 May 2008

'He looka lika man' Hilarious show and poem. That was too priceless. nice

2 6 Reply
Corey Threet 13 June 2008

You have some very humorous poems I love your style unfortunately Frozen tongue was not fictional in my lol thnx for the entrainment

2 5 Reply
Native Dreamer 07 January 2009

'I told you I was sick' words written on the great comedian Spike Milligans headstone. Humours a great force of social change keep it up. Maybe if you did it on the streets you might get loose change. Dont be crude cause it might turn nude I speak in rhyme all the time. This comment is dragging on sorry keep on enjoying writing.

4 2 Reply
unknown Viper 02 January 2008

on'Loch Ness monster raped me'. very funny...maybe to propagate its specie :)

2 3 Reply
Emily =) 06 April 2007

I love all of your poems they are filled with humor and sadness, light hearted and serious-brilliant.

2 2 Reply
Mr. Z 29 January 2020

How can I get your background mr. Johnson

0 0 Reply
Rahman Henry 28 August 2019

‘‘Elvice Presley: The Same Amount of Time‘’: I love Elvice and his town Memphis; and now through this poem, I love you too. I've translated this poem into Bengali, so that my people can enjoy your poetic feelings for Alvice in their mother language. Best wishes, dear poet.

0 0 Reply
Michael C 20 May 2019

Garfield by Randy Johnson can only be described as a modern masterpiece. Despite being written in 2007 I can still call it a modern masterpiece for its beauty transcends time itself. As I go through my life I will look back to the fondness that is Garfield the poem.

1 0 Reply
Chuy Amante 03 December 2017

Very fun stuff! ! ! ! ! I think of nutty titles too and on occassion write about them. You do it so freely and well! !

2 0 Reply
Gene Gamble 26 January 2009

God wants us to be happy: In this poem your route to heaven in theology & Truth is in error. There was a price that was paid and it is a choice. Not of works. Read John 3: 16 again. Make what one is accountable for, not of misleading in the teachings of the Gospel message. Let the Spirit guide you. God bless.

5 5 Reply

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