Angels & Demons Poem by Haven Leonel

Angels & Demons

My name is Evan Maltese and yes I am a show off,
I’m the typical showoff that you try to blow off.
When I try to say hello to you, you try to say goodbye,
Because you know deep down inside me all I ever do is lie.

Yet how can I blame you when I know its all true.
I’m tired of this drama all I want is something new,
But with me? Saying the truth? It’s just way to hard to do.
I lie about myself because it’s what I’m used to.

I thought my life would be better, if I filled it up with lies
Now it’s hard for me to even recognize my own eyes
When I look at myself I see someone else’s face
It’s a monster, specie of a whole other race

It’s an alien that lives and feeds off of pure attention
It will say any lie and feel no need for redemption
Its thoughts are solid greed and packed with temptation
It won’t stop until it wins over the human population

I thought that all this lying was just a childhood phase
Now I realize that the beast has locked me in its cage
It’s now roaming around and it is walking in my skin
Playing the game of popularity and trying hard to win

It’s a demon, and in a cage is where it’s keeping me
Here is where ill stay if I don’t find a way to get the key
I’ve tried but I can not seem to break myself free
I can not see the difference between lies and reality

I guarantee, that I am not who I want to be
To simply be me would a dream, wish or fantasy.
Facing my reality's like drowning in the chartered sea.
Falling from the highest tree,
Losing masculinity.
Cutting wrists to watch them bleed
Not having what you want or need
Having eyes yet can not see
Choking and can not breathe
Losing all my dignity
Faking Christianity
Drinking sand when thirsty
Or eating dirt when hungry.

It’s a possible impossible unreachable goal
To try to make a diamond heart out of a heart made of coal
Like cutting down a tree with a knife that’s simply too dull
Or putting cars together without using a single tool.

I’ve only dreamed of being the guy that I know I truly am,
Yet I’ve lied so much to everyone no one would give a damn.
I’m a jerk, a cheat, a liar, a poor excuse for a man.
If I fell who would dare to reach out a helping hand

I’m tired of being this person because its not who I am.
I believe I own the world, yet I’m my one and only fan.
I want to kill myself, but I won’t even though I can
It’d be so easy to end this life and visit Satans land

I pray there must be something good that still dwells inside of me
This monster's like my cover, he's my second personality
A bully and a liar and my number one enemy
Who laughs at me and my attempts at honesty and loyalty.

He’s killing me, beating me, teasing me and breaking me
Phasing me, burning me, taking me down mentally
Physically, spiritually, emotionally destroying me
Tricking me, haunting me, killing who I’m meant to be.

He’s drowning me, mocking me, slapping me, scratching me
Pushing me, grabbing me, pulls me down like gravity
He’s punching me, kicking me, slamming me, shoving me
Tying me, hanging me, choking me, I can not breathe

I need someone there helping me,
Keeping my humanity
To save me from insanity,
To teach me how to brake free.

Somebody to stand by me
And love me for eternity
So that one day I can stand up...and just be me.

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