Mountain's snow belly
sliced by snowmobilers' blades
sheds its deadly weight.
The Japanese forms are fun to write it and good poetic training as well, Jim, but they have some strict rules. This fine poem is rightly called a Senryu, not a Haiku. A Haiku is strictly about nature, nothing else-no mention of humans or their machines. A Senryu can be about anything else, except nature. You poem has the correct number of syllables in it for both forms, since the syllable requirements are the same. The Haiku purists, and there are some everywhere, would blanch at your Senryu being called a Haiku. I know some Haiku poets who think it demeaning to stoop to writing a Senryu poem! Like most fantics, even football fans, they can be silly at times. Just remember the simple rule I gave you, and I doubt you'll ever incur their wrath should you write a Haiku. I liked you poem very much, by the way. Carl.
Quite a good lyric Check out this one I wrote: 'Things Just Aint the Same Here'
fatty mountain sheds the flakes of snow- while children skies............. Good Haiku........
This poem has not been translated into any other language yet.
I would like to translate this poem
One of my favorite poetic forms-and one of the most difficult to write in English. This one, I think, is very effective and original. Good work.