(136) Every Victory Is Momentary (Silssa 1983 - 99) Poem by premji premji

Am I mad?
Many things are piercing
Their sharp arrows on my soul, my body
And my life..
Madness is flying around
And I want to throw it away…
I can’t resist all these sorrows…
I don’t know what is surrounding me…
Anyway, it’s not giving me peace…
Why God?
Why are you giving me all these?
All my friends are enjoying their victory
And I am enjoying my unlucky fate!
I am trying very hard to get out of this…
But, God is not giving strength to my mind…
Whenever I gather strength,
Another blow is coming through
Its usual way!
I know, that is life’s way!
My mother,
Today her heart is
Splitting like a fallen dewdrop…
So many dreams on me she had…
Always expected me to win a rank
But now,
The day which she wished to
Celebrate by distributing sweets,
She is sitting with very empty eyes
And an empty heart near me..
The day which she wished to
See her daughter like
The Sun of happiness,
She is seeing her face,
With not even a single hair,
Not even capable of walking herself….
I want to die...
God…Please kill me…
Kill me please…
I beg you…
I pray you…

Silssa (1983 – 1999)
My sister scribbled this poem behind her prescription with a pencil. She got 542 out of 600 in Secondary school leaving certificate examination. She studied in Saint Teresa’s School, Ernakulam. She was just fifteen… Everyone asked her not to write, except me. She wrote the examinations with mortal pain and mental pain without any preparation. Why God, why did you torment her with such a disease called ‘Ewing’s sarcoma’? I cannot remember the way you cried out when our car crossed the gate of Regional Cancer Center. You remain a bruise in my soul. Without you, I am like a fish thrown out of water to a molten sand bed!