Attacked In The Middle Of The Night Poem by Susan Williams

.
At approximately 3 a.m. I toodled into the bathroom.
(Yes, I actually toodle... you know, like a groggy poodle)
While sitting there- -
(on the edge of the bathtub, that's my story and I'm sticking to it)
I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye.
A HUGE HUMONGOUS spider
was CHARGING into the bathroom
looking like an eight-legged GODZILLA on speed.
I gasped, I had never seen his kind before.
He had a GARGANTUAN body suspended on
the long thin legs of a Great Daddy Longlegs...
frighteningly hideous and all-together horrid except
his long legs didn't seem to hold him up very well.
They folded.
But despite his legs being folded, that sucker was extremely fast.
I mean he was hauling
BIG time
into the room.
Terrified I jumped to my feet.
He saw the movement and he swerved and shot toward me
like a guided missile.
A guided RAPACIOUS and VORACIOUS missile.
Apparently, he saw me as something on his midnight snack menu- -
not only that but also as something he could stash away
in an icky sticky cocoon of spider webbing
and eat off of for a very very long time.
His beady eyes RAVENOUS and HIDEOUS sparkled with delight.
No more hunting for a year-
he seemed to be thinking
and that MONSTROUS spider was literally salivating
over this chance encounter.
Galvanized I leaped into the bathtub.
Hah, now I'm safe from Mr. Hairy Arachnid!
and all his CROTCHETY AND REPULSIVE
ARACHNIDASHING over the linoleum floor.
Oh, oops, spiders can climb.
Quite rapidly too.
I jumped back on the floor.
So did he.
I was going to squeeze past him when I remembered
that HEY
this was my house and I was the master here.
Not only that, but being a diabetic, I was wearing shoes.
Which meant I was ARMED and DANGEROUS
and I didn't have to take his nasty nonsense any longer.
I let out a war whoop and leaped up into the air
and came down on him.
Not just once.
Not just twice.
I hammered that spider into the floor over and over.
until I could not find any of his mortal remains except
one or two of those nasty crooked legs to bury.
I pounded on my chest a la Tarzan of the Jungle
- -ladies, it is not wise to pound on your chest and yell AHH-EE-AHH-EE-AHH- -
dang that smarts.
Anyway, I went back to bed
with the clear conscious of any self-respecting spider mutilator
and climbed in under the covers
- first checking to make sure that
there wasn't a spider in bed with me.
I was drifting off victoriously into dreamland when
a thought popped up in my head
like a slice of bread in a toaster....
WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT HUGE HUMONGOUS GODZILLA OF A SPIDER RUNNING FROM WHEN HE RACED INTO THE BATHROOM?
I scrambled out of bed, grabbed the shotgun, turned on all the lights, and waited.
I'm still waiting.
But I keep nodding off now.
One of these times I won't snap awake again.
And when that happens, IT will get me.
.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~© 2017 Susan Williams