~ Confessions Of A Hypocrite: Part 1 ~ Poem by Souren Mondal

~ Confessions Of A Hypocrite: Part 1 ~

Rating: 5.0


I don't always feel like this
but then there are moments
when it all ceases to make sense

I act like a fool
one who would talk of moments

Moments of love, tenderness,
desires
and
intellect

Thrown down into the gutter
meaning nothing at all but
nothing

I feel like killing myself
but know well that it would lead me nowhere....


Should I call myself an artist? ?

A poet with courage to speak of the unspeakable
but in real life

I become a crybaby

Heartbroken I deserted my destiny

I became a poet instead of a professor

I let down my mentors,
the ones who gave me so much...

I drowned myself in alcohol
smoked cigarettes
and killed my liver and lungs...

I say that I am a feminist
but I have desires dark
to have a woman in flesh and fluids
in my bed
crushed under my weight...

I say that I hate the intellectual bancruptcy of the age
but crack stupid d#*k jokes and laugh...

I say I love people

I sing songs of love

But then under my preferred façade
there is enough hatred to burn down
a whole herd of useless humans

I hate them
I had killed them again and again in my head

I had been a tormenter

I had been tormented by these thoughts

What am I? ?

What am I but a bunch of contradictions?

A hypocrite with no centre

An atheist who had prayed for years
for a girl with the glasses

A man with depression who is scared of
mad men left open in the street

I am a bigot

I am a sinner

I am nothing

Nothing but a bunch of ideas that contradict

Only that I am aware
that
I
am
a
hypocrite....

Souren Mondal
March 6,2016

Saturday, March 5, 2016
Topic(s) of this poem: hypocrisy,lies
POET'S NOTES ABOUT THE POEM
I don't know what this poem is.. It is almost 02: 00 hrs now,01: 59 to be precise, and there are thoughts that are killing me.. I no longer want to project a preferred, good guy image of myself, but want to bare my soul out.. I said part 1, maybe because I am feeling 'bold', or 'stupid' now.. But I really do wish to give myself away as much as I can.. All my contradictions, all my hypocrisy, all my lies.. I want to pluck them out with hands that are like claws and pour them out.. Let there be a bleeding heart.. Let there be a healing soul...

Souren
COMMENTS OF THE POEM
Kelly Kurt 05 March 2016

What you are, my dear friend Souren, is a rarity; You are an honest man. I feel EXACTLY the same way. I am a hypocrite! The only thing that saves me from total self loathing is that I know that ALL humans are hypocrites. This is the most sincere, open and honest depiction of the human condition ever posted on this site. Few delve into the depths of their true, inner selves to see what lurks there, what motivates and why; and how on a conscious level they combat their essence. Bravo!

1 0 Reply
Souren Mondal 05 March 2016

Thanks Kelly.. It is either that I have reached a point or going through a phrase in my life when I no longer care about 'presenting' myself in a certain manner.. I really don't like the hypocrisy around, but when I look at myself I see I am almost the same.. It is better thus, to just let these things out... Just my two cents, but I am done being what I am not.. I still would do no harm to anybody, but I can no longer deny that as a human being, like every other human being, I am flawed.. I am a hypocrite.. That is the truth.. I should accept it and try to move on.. Change and make myself better by trying.. Everything else, anything else, nothing else matter now..

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Valsa George 06 March 2016

Souren, here you have bared yourself naked. You aren't a hypocrite, but the opposite. But any confession will become effective only if one shows the resolve to change his ways. I like the comment by Ging Taping. You are the driver, you should know when and where to apply the brakes. Life is a struggle......... but shouldn't allow yourself to be strangled by the circumstances! Never let the booze to bring out the beast in you. There is a beast in everyone. But by taming it, we become more and more human. Compliance to certain rules, practising some restraint and keeping some faith in a power beyond oneself (as man by himself is so helpless) will help us to wage the war of life. I don't mind even if you brand me as an orthodox conformist! The poem as such is great....... but it disturbs!

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Souren Mondal 07 March 2016

Not at all Valsa ma'am.. It is not orthodoxy or confirmism to talk about leading a sensible life.. I guess most people (including me a year or so earlier like many 'young' non-conformists) believe that the path to 'modernity' is paved with a chaotic lifestyle.. It isn't. T. S. Eliot said it very well in 'Cousin Nancy', that everyone thought that Nancy was 'modern' but no one knew what it means! ! Now, that I have grown older, I have come to a point in my life where I am trying to admit that I had made mistakes, and have made my life chaotic.. Maybe I still want chaos around, but for a change, that choas should be controlled.. Now I am for controlled chaos! If I be drunk, I will be on poetry and virtue, there is no need for wine.. Life is better with some values kept awake, , .. Breaking rules for sake of it might be 'fashionable', but not sensible...

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Ging Taping 07 March 2016

thanks Valsa..i went through a lot of problems lately coming back againi (PH) makes me feel i am home

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Dimitrios Galanis 12 March 2016

The content of the poem could not have been experienced by the the poet who writes it.A poet imagines conditions and writes from different points of view, even from the point of view of a criminal the poet himself has never been found.Do experience it, Souren.Imagine yourself for example being a murdeur and write a poem....//Anyway this one here is a study in the depths of humankind's soul, this contrdictory existence.Poesy and literature can swimm into these depths.

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Abhilasha Bhatt 10 March 2016

Chaha tha jo mila nhi Socha tha jo hua nhi Ab chahun kya jaante nhi Sochnaa hai kya jaante nhi............few people can do this what u have done.....amazing.....tremendous.......teached me some thing......thank you for sharing :)

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Brian Mayo 07 March 2016

You've expressed your conflictions and desires and you've done it honestly and artfully. You've written a poem to be proud of. I think it's excellent.

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A raw, rabid reality of a confession that is both candid and compelling. Poetic therapy that may be a blessing not only to the poet but for many who live lives of contradiction and may see themselves in this poem and be helped!

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Mike Smith 06 March 2016

When I read this poem it gets me to thinking about my own contradictions or hypocrisy. We think we 'stand' for something or 'believe' in it. We champion certain ideologies as being progressive or beneficial. But in the end these are only words. Unless we act upon those things we stand for, or we live by those ideologies, it is merely wishful thinking. This poem has an immensely relatable nature for me. It leaves me with an impact, and I think I'll be coming back to this one from time to time in the future. An incredibly candid and soul searching write Souren. And one which the author should take pride in for being able to see his own limitations. We are none of us perfect whether we realize it or not. You've proven here that you do realize, and that your on a mission to advance beyond your hypocrisy. Very inspiring

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