I used to stroll along in the pedestrian way,
Most at night times for close of the day,
With an anticipation of being so relax and calm,
And also searching for something like balm.
Just an expectation I had,
Not the encountered experiences in life,
And I thought the men outside,
Were frolicsome and rollicking than the men inside.
It opened the pathway towards the gateway,
From which I held my conceptualizations at the doorway,
When I moved in, I descried the highly adorned streets,
With many lamp posts aligned,
And many people with patient minds.
And then I continued walking,
Being tenaciously dogged and anticipations in seeking,
With harshness implied in their eyes,
Burden and unenviable nature in life styles.
I felt like two worlds in persistence,
A line named segregation towards separation,
No doubt, the world exists as two halves,
One with rich making merry in all the times,
And the other with poor having onerous lives by all means.
I say, the man is far from reality,
The modern man thinks, but he doesn't deserve the dignity,
And if one perceived this tragedy,
He would never say that rich were worthy,
In any circumstance for giving them such a melancholy.
With a strong dismay and a frustration inside,
I commenced dwelling upon the happenings outside,
And then I heard the bitter wailing,
Of the women and children in miserable ways,
And a stranger whispered they were sans food for some days.
Then I freezed and marveled in finding,
The martyred martyr with martyrdom,
And many were bundled garnering together,
For finding warmth in resisting the colder,
They weren't shelling out for money,
Or even the status with reverences,
But they had merely one word to say,
'Food' is the one which echoed through out the day.
I had nothing to do with the shrieks of the women,
I had nothing to do with the starvings of the children,
And also with the dire poverty of both men and women,
And then I turned back and moved,
There I decided to return to the highest class I belonged,
Then I passed the separating line,
But guilty and remorse ran through my blood-line.
I see what Lawrence Pertiliar is alluding to but I think this absence of heart he sees is more due to the difficulty of expressing yourself in a language other than your native language.. I think you are so very close to using the words you want to use, Navod. If I may advise one thing it would be to choose the simpler word. I do think your emotions were involved for why else would your write this piece. You have important things to say and we need to hear them. I enjoyed the journey in this poem, thank you for showing me a slice of life moment
Verily, you have justified your frustration
4 – Overall i like the poem and certainly understand it. With more experience with English, you could be a very fine 'English' poet. I feel it is certainly easier & more comfortable at times, ..... and therefore done more often, ....for people to keep somewhat separate from those in vastly different economic etc, circumstances. bri :) p.s. i admire those who write in at least 2 languages, which i'm sure you DO! Right? to MyPoemList
3 – THROUGHOUT (one word) i've noticed several of the 'better' Eurasian poets on PH split up some words which i usually would write as one word. For some words it depends on the usage whether i'd make 1 OR 2 words e.g. sometimes and some times. last line: i would say " But GUILT and remorse ran through my blood." forget rhyming here!
2 – stanza 5: maybe use worlds in COEXISTENCE? stanza 8: FROZE & COLD stanza 9: " shelling out for money" I've heard the phrase " shelling out" but it does not seem to fit here. how about " BEGGING for money" ?
1 – Some Suggestions [in capital letters] to improve the English: stanza 1: RELAXED stanza 2: MORE frolicsome stanza 3: descried: good! [i had to look up the definition** of descry]: ** " catch sight of." :) stanza 4 is difficult for me to follow, esp.: WITH anticipations'? PEOPLE with harshness?
An insightful narrative piece of poetry written with clarity of thought and mind. A witty philosophical reflection. Thanks for sharing, Navod.
Highly admire for commenting, Chinedu. Thank you
This poem has not been translated into any other language yet.I would like to translate this poem
I am always impressed with the ability of others that can write poetry in a second language. Your vocabulary is amazing, Navod and the poem is very well conceived. Your thoughts are deep for such a young man. Overall, an excellent piece of writing. My one piece of advice (that I give to many aspiring poets from India and around the world) is do not try so hard to rhyme. It is hard enough to translate intent from one language, with its unique idioms and characteristics, into another. Concentrate on the message you want to get across and write from your heart with the words that fit. I enjoy using rhymes when they suit the purpose but sometimes one has to use a less than perfect word in order to fit the rhyme. Keep writing, reading and posting. peace
Your close observation upon this poem is highly admired. Kelly Kurt. Thank you!