Rev. Dr. A. Jacob Hassler

I Almost Robbed A Bank Today

Poem by Rev. Dr. A. Jacob Hassler

i almost robbed a bank today
i stood in line and while i waited
i made a plan on how i would do it
oh, there would be a thrilling chase!
i imagined my friends cheering for me
as they watched the news from the
circling whirlybird camera
with police cruiser lightbars flashing madly
officers on the highway frantically throwing spikes
they would spot me on the tv screen
fleeting in my getaway car
like Clyde Barrow – a grand marshal
in some outrageous parade - with the
windows rolled down
as paper bills streamed from my ride
like confetti, parting the Red Sea
rush hour traffic in a race with Smokey
for the Mexican frontera...

the buxom brunette bank teller behind the plate glass
soon snapped me out of my deluded daydream
she was bored and unattentive
but i think she could tell i was up to no good.

i saw her later at the bar down the street, during
happy hour, chatting with some other young fella
smiling kindly and absently stirring her cocktail
i slugged a shot of rotgut tequila –
you know the kind, made with cactus in some
border-rushing tonk’s toilet –
walked up to the teller, whipped her around
on her seat, pulled her face into mine
and smeared her lipstick real good then
ambled on out into the street smiling broadly
i almost robbed a bank today
but planted a sweet one on the bank teller instead

something told me she needed some excitement, too

Comments about I Almost Robbed A Bank Today by Rev. Dr. A. Jacob Hassler

  • Robert Howard (6/28/2007 9:42:00 AM)

    Next best thing! Besides it's best to leave serious theft to those who have studied and perfected their craft. This prerequisite excludes the masked robber who swept into a convenience store and barked out, 'Nobody move or I'll shoot! ' His partner moved and he shot him.(Report)Reply

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  • Lea Simpson (6/11/2006 10:25:00 AM)

    Bravo Sir, fan-bloody-tastic.(Report)Reply

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  • Chuck Audette (3/23/2006 1:14:00 PM)

    Wow, that is a great story. I fear in my imagination I'd be Woody Allen in 'Take the Money and Run'. Liked the bank teller scene. You often find wanna-be bank robbers behind bars, or in them. -chuck(Report)Reply

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Poem Submitted: Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Poem Edited: Wednesday, June 7, 2006