Rev. Dr. A. Jacob Hassler

Rev. Dr. A. Jacob Hassler Poems

all would-be poets, take note!
proofread that so-called poem you just wrote!
those who aspire for more Famous Days
please steer clear of these clichés:

nothing makes a lousy day better
than seeing a sexy woman at the
convenience store
in her office attire with her white

how i wish my fingers were the bristles
or my breath were the wind when it whistles
thru your hair, thru your hair

geezer poets with your guns ablaze
who pathetically pine for your glory days

who shoot down young poets at every whim

my trousers have become uncomfortably snug
my belt is suddenly a notch too tight

i prayed for a few extra inches below the waist

i was jealous, but i don’t know why
perhaps it was because i felt emasculated,
picturing you on the back of that crotch rocket
tightly hugging his denim-clad middle-aged belly trying

to write a poem
for a woman's favour:
it is fraught with misery and pain

picture frames, my CD player, plates & silverware
there is nothing in this room she has not touched; her fingerprints are everywhere -
even the extra pillow on my bed
still has the soft bruise left by her head -

i remember staying up with you that heavy night
passing a bottle of raspberry wine back and forth
as we dragged ourselves thru a thick conversation
about prom night car crashes and brushes with death

relationships always begin
with a few kinds words

and invariably end with many

to the illegitimate child,
whose streets are dimly lit
who pores thru dusty photo albums
for the eyes that look like his,

Christine P., if you read this, i still remember you
more than i should
more than you know
you have never strayed far from my mind,

who wants to wage war
with the Orgy of Four?
against those who don’t score
them an Eight or more?

ample-breasted girls
can get almost anything
by leaning over


my pen is like a
frightened octopus
the way it shoots its ink.

the morning after heavy drinking
last night's liquor
straps me to my whirling bed
and makes me wear

before i met you,
i had already done everything
for the first time

my Black Pen is like my Princess

the way they run about

two-way stop signs
shot up with holes

a good pair of boots


are we not just
bouncing around in a great rubber inferno
occasionally colliding with one another
until one of us breaks?

Rev. Dr. A. Jacob Hassler Biography

'Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you.' - Winston Churchill)

The Best Poem Of Rev. Dr. A. Jacob Hassler

The Rejection Slip

all would-be poets, take note!
proofread that so-called poem you just wrote!
those who aspire for more Famous Days
please steer clear of these clichés:

so what if your heart
or dies?
hearts are ever in a state of perpetual disrepair
we don’t need you to tell us

who cares if your soul
or trounces?
souls are soiled and sold in bars and airports everywhere
we don’t need you to tell us

we already know the world is
a stone,
the world is a brutal desert, mercilessly fallow
we don’t need you to tell us

don’t go on about how your poetry
then retreats
the very art itself is narcissistically shallow
we don’t need you to prove it

all would be poets, take heed!
before you publish your crap to read,
consider these guidelines lest they be your death
by wasted ink, wasted pages, wasted hours, wasted breath!

Rev. Dr. A. Jacob Hassler Comments

Adryan Barnathan 29 January 2005

'Jake the Hassler'...even your name conjures up the image of someone who catches people off guard and also manages to inspire...a visonary of biting vocabulary...I like your perspectives Jake, and the snippets of insight that throughly entertain the 'thinking persons' sensibilities. Keep it going! warmly, adrienne ;)

0 0 Reply
Austen Bradford 22 February 2005

You're so beautifully crude and harsh- I love it!

0 0 Reply
Pradeep Dhavakumar 26 February 2005

Usually I dont enjoy short poems.But yours is an exception.I really loved them. Very clever wordplay.Your other poems are also very good(read all of them) .Looking forward for more.

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Joy Vanderhelm 03 March 2005

Wow! Such an imagination. I enjoyed almost everything of yours in this site. It's left me craving for more. I'm espescially impressed with Burelesque Haiku, Big Easy, and Fingerprints. Theyu're my favorite. Write on, Jake!

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kenneth william snow 10 March 2005

a. jacob, Thanks for the advice on my poem, I've made a change in the verse you suggested and I believe it works well. I like the way you use rhyme particulary in 'The Rejection Slip'. I see you are from Philadelphia...I grew up there and still work in the city. Thanks again for the advice and keep on producing poetry. Kenneth

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kskdnj sajn 03 May 2006

To the witty man that cracked me up by stating...'perversion isn't a hobby, it's a lifestyle!

0 1 Reply
Siana Casram 23 January 2006

Bloody brilliant! Brutally honest, cynical yet strangly upliting outlook that is so well expressed. Hands up to a poetic genius! (btw, i'm new at this, so if you wanna give me some tips...)

0 1 Reply
Wanda Swim Strunk 30 November 2005

Just checked out your work again. I am fishing for something new.You amplify my lack of talent. I dig your style, look forward to reading your poems in the future. I want to invent a drink and name it after you, too bad pink squirrel is already taken.

0 1 Reply
Michael Shepherd 29 November 2005

You are amazing, wild, sharp, witty, edgy, now, subtle, succinct, even lovable, and dammit talented. Now I know why I hate you.

0 1 Reply
Erica Francis 02 November 2005

If possible, I ask you to write some more.

0 0 Reply

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