Professor Poetry Hound

If I Were God - Poem by Professor Poetry Hound

You know how everyone is always griping and complaining
that Jesus never does any really blatant miracles to prove his
existence? Like, he could make all guns vanish with one
wave of his wand, or instantly heal all sick people in the
world (except for gay people with AIDS of course) . But you
know, if I was in Jesus’ shoes (sandals) , I would probably be
just as inactive as he is. I mean, I wouldn’t want to start a
stampede toward heaven, so I would just do subtle little
miracles, like make someone’s sock disappear in the dryer, or
move their bookmark to the previous page. And when they’d
pray to me, I wouldn’t answer most of the time. And when I
did answer, I’d do it in a sort of indirect and ambiguous way
so they’d have to spend time pondering and interpreting it.

But after they’re dead, watch out! No more subtlety! Anyone
who didn’t pick up on the nuanced little clues of my
existence, well, it’s too late now! I’ll have the devil take an
electric belt sander to their faces.

Comments about If I Were God by Professor Poetry Hound

  • (4/27/2006 3:05:00 PM)

    Is making people pee themselves laughing another sign? Electric belt sander! Hahahahah! ! ! Oh shit, I can never find my keys...Jesus is coming to get me.
    Anna xxx
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  • (4/27/2006 2:36:00 PM)

    Belt Sander? Geesh, that would make me a believer. I'm still waiting for the religeon thing to get worked out. Ain't no two of them alike and most want to put the others in the Belt Sander place.

    I think I'll start my own. Rusty's Religeon. All you have to do is be nice to each other or you can just GET THE HELL OUT.
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  • (4/27/2006 12:22:00 PM)

    I brace myself when I see one of your Jesus poems, PH, for I never know what you're going to say. Guess He got 'miracled out' while He was here on earth. I was amused at how you would behave if you were Jesus. Be careful, though, because you nevere know when you might need a miracle. I found the last line a great, hilarous surprise. You do these poems very well...hope eternity works out well for you, my friend. :)

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Poem Submitted: Thursday, April 27, 2006

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