Professor Poetry Hound

Professor Poetry Hound Poems

Whose woods these are, I think I know
A Liberal from the village though,
A welfare cheat without a job
Too lazy to come and watch the snow.

When we go, do we all have to play harps? If we do,
I'm assuming we'll instantly know how to play them,
right? It's not like we'll have to take lessons or anything,
right? (cause you know what drudgery that can be - all

Someone told me that when we go to heaven,
it will be full of Hollywood gangster movies and
we’ll have to select which one we want to live
in forever. I assume you’ll choose The

I was thinking that Judgment Day might not be
the big phantasmagoric Hollywood laser show
kind of deal that some people think it will be.
It might actually be a fairly low-key affair. And it

Am I going to be reunited
with all my old pets in heaven?
I sure hope not.

Do you think God knows what I’m thinking
right now? How about right nnnnnnnnnnow?

It’s pretty amazing to think that he knows

Why do you think God created so many religions?
Maybe he wasn’t thinking straight and didn’t
anticipate how annoying they would become,
always running around claiming they’re the only

I know you believe that Christ died for your sins,
but did he die for the people who haven’t sinned?

I know you’re going to say that everyone sins. But

If you really want to hear about it,
the first thing you’ll probably want to know

is what I was doing standing there like an idiot

I saw Pope Ratzinger on TV the other day.
Now, here’s a guy who used to drive around in a
Chevy and now everyone wants to kiss his big
toe. Don’t you think it’s kind of bizarre how

And so, in conclusion, from the aforementioned,
it can be ascertained that the Light Brigade - which
the reader will discern was the moniker applied to a cavalry

Do you realize that everything that
happens to you is because of God’s will?
Every time your wife yells at you and
slams the door, it is God’s will. And that

Did you know that the bible says it’s an abomination
to eat shellfish? Yesiree, it’s right there in black and
white. No doubt about it. And yet, look at all the self-
righteous bible-quoting bozos complaining about gay

I was thinking about Jesus as a young boy.
You never hear about that side of him.
You just hear about him as a baby in a
manger with straw and Christmas lights,

Do you think Jesus listens to Christian rock music?
If he does, that really lowers him in my estimation.
That music is so cheesy. What kind of music do you
think he listens to? Maybe he listens to everything

I sat there with Sally, we sat there, we two
And we could not think of a darn thing to do,

There was nothing to do, also nowhere to go.

Did I tell you about the fracas I got into at
my church? I was in the little church store
admiring a small metal crucifix with a
wooden base. Then I saw that they wanted

Two roads diverged in the woods of my life,
I’d been down one of those roads before,

And it takes all the inner strength I can muster

Back when I was in Sunday School,
this kid put a whoopee cushion
on the pastor’s chair and
the pastor sat on it during the service.

You know those scufflers in school that just do the
minimum amount of work to pass the class? Well, I
think it’s true in church too. Some people want to do
just the minimum to get into heaven. It’s like they

Professor Poetry Hound Biography

......................................An Infinite Lives. An Infinite Deaths. Only for..................................... .............................................Immortal Poetry Criticism from the............................................ ............................................Maestro of Criticism, Poetry Hound............................................ Uber-critic Poetry Hound's poetic criticisms of ubiquitously holistic views can be found in his latest books of poetry criticism, “Dementia In the Workplace” and “C'mon! Be An Earthling! ” His swirling critical output exceeds in length the effluvial output of Nikhil Parekh, who has dropped a great load upon the earth. Poetry Hound has sent his poetic criticisms to world leaders, who perfunctorily acknowledge their receipt. Poetry Hound deludes himself into believing that these terse responses from the leaders represent tributes to his almighty critical insights and immortal talents. He therefore asserts that his poetic criticism has been swooned over by The Honorable Prime Minister of Australia, John Howard; The Right Honorable Mr. Paul Martin, Canada; The President of Republic of France Monsieur Jacques Chirac; and the President of Republic of China, The Honorable Mr. Chen (I was too lazy to look up his first name) , among others. When people tell Poetry Hound that anyone can get these kinds of letters from world leaders, he ignores them. Passions from the heart have led extremely well-known poetry Uber-critic Poetry Hound along the path of thought-provoking insights through books of poetry criticism that are full of naïve and plodding commentary on Anti-Terrorism and preservation of the Environment and Wildlife. His insights are deeper than those of Nikhil Parekh. Poetry Hound is not new to the world of swirling critical verse, “Dementia In the Workplace” and “C'mon! Be An Earthling! ” are but two of this poetry critic's eighty-five published books of poetic criticism throughout the publishing industry, world wide, everywhere globally. When people point out that none of the books have been produced by recognized publishers and that they are all self-published, Poetry Hound ignores them. Poetry Hound also has the indistiguishable honor of having created the longest poetic criticism ever written. “The Deluded Soul” speaks presumptuously of life, as only the complexity of life can deliver. The rolling critical verse from Poetry Hound's “longest poetic criticism ever written” is exclusively the first of its kind in the pure sense of the English Language. Athough people regularly point out that there are longer poetic criticisms, Poetry Hound ignores these people and continues to maintain that his is the longest. The unstoppable flow of poetic criticism from the poetry Uber-critic Poetry Hound's books gather words from dictionaries and thesauruses, as the Pied Piper of old gathered from dancing melodies on the flute. Poetry Hound's poetic criticism replicates “timeless” from the English language, rolling critical verse from the very depths of the critic's heart-rendering heart, from conviction and belief. Words speak clearly or maybe not so clearly as the bard's voice emerges from the depth of critical spirituality for the world to hear or not hear. This is the timeless voice of insight, the voice that leaders (who shall remain nameless) gather unintended wisdom from to acknowledge and honor. If this seems incoherent, don't bother pointing it out to Poetry Hound as he will simply ignore you. Poetry Hound speaks tirelessly and indefatigably and inexhaustively and unrelentingly and non-reduntantly on Anti-Terrorism and Global Peace in his book, “Dementia In the Workplace, ” wherein he states, “Good writing overrules diabolical evil, Precision in word usage overrules treacherous bloodshed, and derisive Laughter overrules satanic hatred.” Uber-critic Poetry Hound speaks with frank sincerity and sincere frankness about the environment and wildlife in his book, “C'mon! Be An Earthling! ” wherein he directs readers to “Go to school; learn a useful trade, and GET A JOB! instead of frittering away your life poring over the thesaurus, writing insignificant verse, pandering to world leaders, leeching off your parents, and trying to get into the Guinness Book of Records. That way, the chapter of godly existence can continue forever and ever and ever.” Poetry Hound's lips speak the omnicient mantra, “Write Crappy Poetry and Be Ridiculed.” Truer words have never been not unspoken. All must now gather and bow down before extremely well-known grandmaster poetry Uber-critic Poetry Hound, who is the supreme, all-knowing voice of the future, emerging through recognition to be recognized in the fight for partial world peace and the semi-sanctity of all living things. HOW TO WRITE A POEM: For those of you who would like to be an immortal poet like Nikhil Parekh, here is Poetry Hound's poem-writing chart. Here is the format for your poem: Her immortal ____ is _____ ______. Her immortal ____ is _____ ______. Now just pick any three digit number and match it in the chart to get the first line of your poem. For example,230 would give you, 'Her immortal hair is eminently redundant.' Pick another number for the second line of your poem, and so forth until your poem is completed. 0. mouth..... 0. unfailingly....... 0. redundant 1. nose....... 1. silently........... 1. applauding 2. hair........ 2. conspicuously.. 2. irrelevant 3. foot........ 3. eminently....... 3. calcified 4. stomach.. 4. ardently......... 4. apolitical 5. buttocks.. 5. stubbornly...... 5. hyperventillating 6. armpit..... 6. suddenly........ 6. triangular 7. neck....... 7. reliably........... 7. inflated 8. nosehair... 8. lavishly.......... 8. trout-like 9. chin........ 9. unspeakably.... 9. levitating)

The Best Poem Of Professor Poetry Hound

Alternative Voicing: Fox News Stops By The Woods On A Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are, I think I know
A Liberal from the village though,
A welfare cheat without a job
Too lazy to come and watch the snow.

Good thing there is no fag or queer
To press their “gay agenda” near
Right between the woods and frozen lake
They’d be good for target practice here.

My Hummer idles with nary a shake.
Minorities here would be some mistake.
The only sound would be as I sweep
The poor out of town, oh let them eat cake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
A place where terrorists could creep,
Using trees for cover, on me they’d leap
So many trees to fell before I sleep.
So many trees to fell before I sleep.

Professor Poetry Hound Comments

Rajaram Ramachandran 08 October 2005

Dear Poetry Hound, Thanks for your comments on my poem 'A bud crushed under the foot.' It is a surprise, you came alive after 1996 just to write a line on this true story. Are you a dead 76 (1996-1920) or alive 51, which one is correct? Please reveal your true identity, as the Poemhunter welcomes you in the open to this forum. Rajaram Ramachandran, Juhu, Mumbai, India.

1 0 Reply
Rev. Dr. A. Jacob Hassler 27 September 2005

while Professor Poetry Hound has not submitted a single poem to this website, his comments are a continuous source of inspiration and entertainment! Jake

1 0 Reply
Jay Press 24 December 2006

i really like your poetry it takes unexspected turns

2 0 Reply
Maggie Just May 05 June 2006

This was such a great idea to embellish and expound upon. Many of us have made fleeting references and allusions to the subject you tackle as your central theme...piety, reality versus perceived reality, etc. However, none of us have worked from such a rich template as you have developed here. I haven't missed many in the series and I would cite 'If I Were God', 'Automobile Insurance', 'Bad a few of the best to date. Great biography page. There is something deliciously existential (Camus' notion of existentialism) about the pasquinades on offer here. Mistakenly, a lot of folks view these pieces as an attack on Christianity or God, losing sight of the fact that they function as attacks on peoples' interpretations of Christianity/ God as much as anything else. None of my comments are a shallow attempt to be nice to you because as you know, I have long considered you a weasel. As this series took flight (or 'ascended into the heavens') , I was envious that I didn't think of your idea first. Now, I keep thinking of lots of things I could do a series on like this but feel that you have left an indelible Poemhunter paw-print that I could not replicate. When your work on this theme is complete, I hope you will make an ebook available for download. Great fun, PoHo.

1 0 Reply
Adryan Barnathan 27 January 2006

You are so cool....A voice in the wilderness of the reality of rapture...! ! ! !

1 0 Reply
***** ***** 16 December 2005

Love the biography... all of which is, of course, true. Nikhil Parekh can barely aspire to polishing your wordly shoes, oh Lord of all things indefatigable.

1 0 Reply
Dave De Haas 11 October 2005

hey there. i know i sem to be a really big pain but i enjoy argueing with you. i was wondering if you could take a look at some of my poems because i would like to see your insight's of some of them.

1 0 Reply

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