Mohammad Akmal Nazir

Rookie - 13 Points (Bahraich, U.P. India)

~false Beauty~ - Poem by Mohammad Akmal Nazir

All the pleasant adjectives,
Were hovering
around her,
Each of them wished,
To settle with her forever,
Suddenly a gust of wind came,
And swayed them away
Except one,
It was 'transient'.


Comments about ~false Beauty~ by Mohammad Akmal Nazir

  • (2/6/2013 3:28:00 PM)


    This is a great work It explains the concept of life] At a time, it glows but it fades away as time goes on. (Report) Reply

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  • (7/20/2012 8:36:00 PM)


    Clever title with an ending that explains the false beauty that poens up many variations of thought, short and powerful...regards (Report) Reply

  • (4/15/2012 7:38:00 PM)


    Transient -

    Time when my fleeting days at last,
    Unheeded, silently are past,
    Calmly I shall resign my breath,
    To life unknown, forgot in death.

    Spectator
    (from English Synonymes, George Crabb, New York, Harper Brothers, Publishers,1849)

    s
    (Report) Reply

  • (9/15/2011 10:52:00 AM)


    Love this.. Please check out some of my work and vote many thanks. (Report) Reply

  • (3/4/2011 7:43:00 PM)


    Excellent! As the Lord truly said, 'Favour is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.' Beauty such as you've depicted is indeed false, though fair, since it is so fleeting; what we desire then is true beauty, that is more than 'skin-deep, ' nor fades with age, but grows ever more attractive like a good wine. Then again, as the Lord says, '...let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us....' (Report) Reply

  • Juan Olivarez (12/6/2010 6:32:00 PM)


    Very deep meaningful poem, good write. (Report) Reply

  • (12/6/2010 12:00:00 PM)


    False Beauty
    -=-=- Excellent title it draws me into the poem. A great catch line for the reader.

    All the pleasant adjectives were hovering
    around her,
    -=-=- These two line I'd break differently, making the break after 'Adjectives' instead of 'Hovering'. It would accent the adjectives more and also create a strong verb in the following line.

    Each (X) wished to settle with her forever,
    -=-=- (X) means to cut words. in this case unneeded words that offer little to the poem in the sense of music, metaphor or form. It is more prose like than poetic.

    Suddenly a gust(y) (X) wind came
    -=-=- Watch out when using the word 'of' it is a simple device that can become a real crutch when writing metaphors. Be more inventive when writing your metaphors.

    And swayed away all of them
    -=-=-I would reconstruct this line to read more direct toward intent and stronger cadence. (and swayed them away) The word 'all' can just about be cut in every poem you read on this site. Most of the time the poem itself has formed the intent of all. In this case it isn't all anyway. There is one that is not included. So it is not all.

    Except one
    -=-=- the one that is not included in the all or total number.

    It was 'transient'.
    -=-=- This is a tough call here. This is right for the English but what about the metaphor of 'false beauty' being personified in the opening as a woman/ lover of many. So I have to ask why not 'He was transient' I'm not sure you need the quotes but they work nonetheless.

    Commentary:
    A really nice little poem. Compact with direct use of language which always creates a stronger reading of the work. Great opening in the sense of title which draws the reader in and sets up the metaphor well in the first line. Well done. The turning point in the poem is tad rough, where the adjective are all swayed away. I suggested a reconstruction of the line there. The closure is strong but it forgets the metaphor of the poem and I don't think the quotes are needed. The poem might be stronger and create a stronger epiphany for the readers if the quotes were cut.

    This is just how I see your poem it is not about agreement or disagreement. I only speak from my own experiences as a poet. In the end you need to stay true to your own devices and intent within poem. My suggestions here are only to allow you to rethink the structure of your poem. Maybe polish it a bit more.

    a poet friend
    RH Peat
    (Report) Reply

  • (12/4/2010 11:45:00 AM)


    'Each of them wished to settle with her forever, '

    a unique way of writing aspects of false beauty and the transient nature of love
    (Report) Reply

  • (12/3/2010 10:26:00 PM)


    Very deep meaningful poem, good write. (Report) Reply

  • Sadiqullah Khan (12/1/2010 6:08:00 AM)


    Great imagery and twist of words. Fine poetics.10 (Report) Reply

  • Hans Vr (11/26/2010 6:51:00 AM)


    Did the gust of wind take her beauty away and only one who truly loved her stayed? Wonderful poem. (Report) Reply

  • (11/25/2010 1:06:00 PM)


    A lot of food for thought Really deep (Report) Reply

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Poem Submitted: Thursday, November 25, 2010

Poem Edited: Tuesday, July 12, 2011


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